C/O Union Representative, 13 Sweatshop Way, Heaven
Dear Amalgamated C & S Members,
I am in receipt of your request for a reduction to an 80-hour work-week, that singing praises to My name no longer be mandatory, installation of snack machines in all office areas and institution of a minimum wage.
I have carefully read your proposal and, in the spirit of negotiation that I think I am rightly famous for, here is My counter-proposal:
Piss off, you ungrateful bastards! Get back to work before I use your guts for garters. You think I can’t whip up a batch of mindless, automaton scabs to replace you? It’s just one thing after another with you, isn’t it? No wonder the mayor of New York calls union members thugs and the DoD says unions are a threat to national security.
You think you’ve got Me by the short hairs, but I’ve been preparing for something like this ever since the time I lost so many employees to Beelzebub, LLC. Around about 120 BC I started recording all business meetings attended by union members. That’s right. By the way, for those of you who are always bitching that I don’t provide pastry in meetings, you can just ask Archangel Josh why there never seems to be enough for everyone to have one. And Archangel Stan? I don’t know what kind of unholy rituals you’re performing with all the coffee stirrers, but one per cup should be sufficient for whatever it is.
As if Grand Theft weren’t enough to squash this disgusting power-grab of yours, I have a very interesting tape of the meeting just prior the the Jesii’s birth. If you open the attached package, you will find a copy of said tape. However, before you do, let Me advert you to page 721, section MMCLXIII, paragraph ii of your contracts.
“Backsassing, insolently goggling eyes at, quoting facts or otherwise disagreeing with Employer constitutes Sin.”
If you recall from your employee handbooks, distributed and signed for on Day One, the wages of sin, (much less, Sin) are, in fact, Death. As everyone knows, I Am not only Love, but a merciful Gawd. However, this tape clearly shows that every single one of your Archangel representatives backsassed, made that goggly-eye face at Me, frowned in My presence and, (Archangel Bob especially), quoted facts about biology and astrophysics. So you see, My hands are tied. These Archangels are your duly-elected representatives. They, by their very nature, represent all of you. Therefore, you are responsible for anything they do; ergo – you’re in deep shit.
I just don’t know how I could possibly let you off. I mean, rules are rules, right? There’s nothing I can… hang on. An answer to your predicament has just occurred to Me. maybe, just maybe I can talk Myself into letting you off with, say, a pay-cut and a work-hour increase if you’re willing to negotiate in good faith. If you give a little, say by dropping these niggling demands of yours, then I think I can see My way clear to refrain from wiping out the entire workforce.
Let Me know what you think. Just leave a message with the front desk of the Fullerton Hotel, Singapore.
Wish You Were Here,
~Gawd
ATT:
"Gone Fishin': Postcards From God" 
This explains lots. You see, Gawd, a happy workforce is a productive workforce (which means that, unlike Gawd, they will actually do something other than sitting in hotel bars). An empowered workforce is a workforce which will actually get things right (something Gawd hasn’t been doing since, well, um, ever?). A workforce recieving adequate compensation will be a more eager workforce (which means Gawd will not be facing work stoppage threats). And a workforce with reasonable hours is less likely to make mistakes (such as George W, Cheney, Carcassone and the whole Albigensian Crusade, Dobson, etc).
Please let your workers know that I am experienced writing and negotiating union contracts and would be willing to work for a small (well, small to Gawd) fee.
You know my email.
That is a very thoughtful offer, (((Billy))). I think, though, He’s looking more for someone in the union-breaking line. Can you cause boils or the Egyptian Itch?
I have a collection of excellent union songs. Some claim that my voice (which makes Dylan sound good) is the aural equivalent of boils. Of course, the slaves would still be getting the message, which is what matters to me, of course.
Funny you should mention union songs. I was listening to Billy Braggg, (Coincidence, (((Billy)))?), this morning. I even watched this before I left the apartment.
I so do not understand modern music.
Ah, thanks, (((Billy)), for helping me understand the reason why Gawd’s world is so screwed up. It turns out that he holy tyrant is underpaying his employees.
No wonder my prayers never got answered. The technicians that work the communication lines must be for ever slacking off, or maybe the guys are always out looking for pastries to eat, since apparently Gawd provides nothing to his tireless workers.
Also, that explains why some prayers do get answered. That’s all the poor, overworked employees are able to accomplish. And here we all thought Gawd didn’t exist!
But, I guess, him not existing is just about the same as his treating his servants poorly so we never get what we ask for.
This is a true aha moment. Thank you postie for delivering this revealing postcard. Now I will pray harder hoping to get through when the lines are actually working.
Lorena,
Saying that He underpays His employees is a base canard! I don’t want to be pedantic, but it would be more correct to say that He does not pay His employees. A small, but important, difference, I think.
He discovered long ago that since angels don’t have “free will” as you and I understand it, He can “let the market set the wages”.
Gawd, I really love the animation. Thoroughly enjoyable.
Thank you, but the security company that films the Heavenly Meetings is NonStampCollector. Please let them know how much you enjoyed it.
Oh, thanks! I have just subscribed to them on Youtube. Whatever that means. I have never subscibed to anything before. On Youtube.
The guy’s videos are worth the click. You won’t regret it.
Gawd,
That tape is damning. I’m guessing the little will come crawling back to you, begging for forgiveness and “just one more chance” when they see that. They should have known that you have cameras everywhere. The way I figure it, you don’t really see everything as it happens in real time – your audiovisual staff reviews the tapes and reviews all the good stuff with you.
A discerning observation, Chaplain. I’ve known Him to invite a few deities over when the security company is showing a particularly good one. Popcorn and scotch all ’round.
And “crawling back”? Probably so. He’s learned a thing or two about strike-breaking since Beelzebub.
Oh, have you been to Fullerton Hotel, Singapore? That’s just round my neighbourhood. Yeah, Singapore has no minimum wages law.
I haven’t been to the Fullerton, or, indeed, Singapore. But Gawd is always jetting over there for a quick vacation between holidays.
I’ve been thinking about this one and, if Gawd is really determined to keep his assorted cherubim and seraphim under his thumb, he’s missing a tried and true tactic.
Pay them. Pay them a pittance, but pay them. Then insist that they buy all food, supplies, robes, etc. from the company store. Buy the realy cheap shit for the company store (Gawd must have some contacts in China, right?) and then sell them at an unconsci0nable markup. Buy pencils at 20 for a buck, then sell them at $2.00 each. Buy grade D edible hot dogs, and sell them for $5.00 each. Charge rent for the lodgings. Add a markup for water supplied to the hovels. If Gawd does it right, the C & S will be in debt at the end of each month. As the debt gets bigger, Gawd can just take a trouble-maker aside and say, “Look, you owe $41.7 billion at the company store. You either ditch your suggestions, or I collect on that debt. What, you don’t have it? To hell with you.”
Just check out the patch coal mining towns in PA, WV, KY, etc. And each one had at least one church. Gawd should be familiar with this tactic. Works better than slavery. And creates great songs.
(((Billy))),
You’re an evil genius. Gawd has empowered me to offer you a position as Archangel of Employee Relations, with a starting salary of 1,200 Turkish Lira per annum. You may purchase your smite-resistent robe and flaming sword at the Gawd, Inc. Store, located on the 3rd floor of the Pearly Gates mall, next to the Jamba Juice.
No, just a labour historian. Rather than a salary, how about 1% of the
prophetsprofits from the company store?Oooh… yeah… see, Gawd’s not big into profit-sharing or, indeed, sharing at all. Having no parents to teach Him differently or a Bible to lay down His moral code, or even Sesame Street when He was young, He just never picked up the habit.
But didn’t Gawd share his prophets with Muhammed and Allah? You know, Moses, Jesus, etc.?
Rimshot!
ROFLOL!
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