Note to Self: To save on stamps, ask Postman to deliver one letter 6 billion times.
Dear All of You,
Everywhere I look lately I find you talking about pardons. Normally, of course, I would pay it about as much attention as I do when you ask for ponies or for your sports team to win or that your wife/husband won’t find out about you-know-who. Unfortunately, since I re-opened Hell the pardon requests have been coming in droves. Worse yet, some guy named Edward Current has found a way to bypass My junk-mail filter by inventing a prayer amplification device. You may think of him as the Marconi of the Brand Loyalists, but I simply call him “that guy who’s going to Hell”.
However, this “pardon”, or “mercy”, you all speak of is somewhat intriguing. The concept of a breaker of laws being excused an offense without exacting a penalty is not really a new one. I’ve always thought of Myself as a merciful Gawd. Like that time Moses hit that rock and I let him off with a warning… wait. No, not that time. Well, there was that time I told Lot’s wife not to look… hang on. I know; when Uzzah touched the Ark of The Covenant… oh, fuck! Just take My word for it. I’m merciful as shit.
I’m getting off the point here, and it’s making Me cranky. What I’m trying to say is that I am instituting Gawdidential Merciful Gawdly Holy Pardons. If Pope “Joey Rats” Ratzinger and Still President Bush can do it, then I’ll be Me-damned if I’m not gonna.
First off, a big one. All those Jews, Protestants, Musselmen, &tc. who told the Inquisition they recanted whatever it was the Inquisition wanted them to recant, but didn’t really – Pardoned. Yeah, the whole lot of ’em. As far as I’m concerned, as long as they dropped a little something in the collection plate, I don’t care what they believed. They could believe in space alien souls, Sethism or magic underpants. It matters not to Me.
Next, people with demons inside who make unsavoury comments when the Brand Loyalists try to cast them out. Hey, who hasn’t wanted to twist their head around and puke pea soup on one of the Brand Loyalist apparatchiks? I know I have. Pardoned – With extreme prejudice.
Speaking of unsavoury, I hereby pardon those 42 kids who thought male-pattern baldness was funny. Not for laughing at Elisha’s shiny dome – going bald and having ED are most assuredly not laughing matters – but for giving the bears who ate them tummy aches. For that, they are pardoned tastily tastefully.
This is kind of fun. While I’m thinking about it, I pardon Myself. Yeah. You remember the Jebusites? Probably not, since I wiped them off the face of the earth. The same goes for the Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites and the Hivites. But if a Gawd can’t forgive Himself for being a little cranky sometimes, then what’s the point? Am I right? Pardonnez-moi.
I’m all pardoned out for now. If you didn’t make the list, better luck next time. I’m off to the hotel spa for a champagne bath and a seaweed wrap. Got to be fresh for skiing tomorrow.
Wish You Were Here,