In Your Secret Underground Lairs
Dear Nerds and Rugbutters,
I’ll bet you never thought you’d get a joint postcard, did you? I mean, you’re not exactly peanut butter and chocolate, are you? In this instance, though, you do have something in common. You’re both getting dangerously close to a smiting by meddling in things which are not your concern.
First and foremost; scientists. You will be the death of Me yet, (Oh, I crack Me up!) But seriously, you have been naughty, naughty. When I closed down the Garden of Eden Amusement Park™ I did so for a good reason and for good. But just because it’s abandoned doesn’t mean you can trespass. And syrup-chugger scientists don’t get a pass just because it happens to be in Canada. I know you’re all socialized up there, but private property is still private property. No one can say that I’m not a compassionate deity, but how could I look My old school chum, Invisible Hand of Capitalism, in the [invisible] eye if I let you use something I own, even if I’m not using it anymore? As I’m sure you’ll agree, the very thought is sickening.
So here is what I propose. I’ll let you take isotope samples and what-have-you from the oldest place on Earth and I’ll charge a special scientist rate. I believe surgeons fall under the heading of “scientists”, right? At least, that’s what Asclepius told Me once, and if you can’t trust your doctor, who can you trust? So I’ll charge you at the same rate He charges Me when I get a dose of “Cupid’s Itch”; $500 per hour. Just think of yourselves as My little social disease bank from now on.
Right. That’s you taken care of. Now for the Muslims.
The reason I’m using the same postcard for you and for the scientists is that I’m hoping, even though you’re somebody else’s, (Hack! Hack!), brand-loyalists, that maybe some of the scientific method will rub off on you. Not too much, of course. Me knows, I’m not exactly an advocate of science, except where it intersects with first-class travel and accommodation. However, you’re really making asses of yourselves. Normally, I’d just drop Allah, (hack thief of My intellectual property that He is), an elegantly hand-written letter simply saying “Ha Ha!!!” Unfortunately, you’ve kind of jumped the shark this time and it begins to put all deities in a bad light. As I am a subset of “all deities”, (there’s a little science talk for you), I’m taking this unprecedented step to rectify the situation.
I don’t, usually, have a problem with tacky crap. An extra big “Big Ben” in a gravitational dead zone, in “perfect alignment with magnetic north”, where you can get “charged with energy” is alright. A little wooey, but alright. On the other hand… two million LED lights? Really Muslims? Now I’m just starting to think that you’re compensating for something.
So do us all a favor and scrap that thing. If not, at the very least be sure to keep insisting that Allah, (Hack!), is the One True Gawd.
Wish You Were Here,