First of all, I want to be clear that although a great many citizens of My Chosen Country think of you as a racist Keebler elf, I couldn’t be more happy with you. Your cartoonish tiny little face makes Me chuckle every time I see it.
I was just relaxing poolside at a tasteful hotel in the dessert… or is it desert? Me damn it, now I’m hungry for a slice of double chocolate truffle layer cake. It’s a good thing My brand-loyalists, the Christians, keep diligently forking over the cash to keep me in expensive hotels and eating expensive cake. Anyway, I was sort of half paying attention to the TV in the lobby when I saw your adorable white-supremacist punim smirking out at Me. So I had a half dozen cabana boys carry My lounger in to hear what you had to say.
If I weren’t on perpetual vacation I would hold a press conference to publicly agree with you. I mean, fuck those kids, right? The little ankle biters never tithe into My vacation fund and that, alone, is enough to chap My nips. Add into the mix the appalling fact that airlines allow the stunted snot rags into first class where they’re always crying or kicking the back of My seat and I couldn’t care less if you stick ’em in concentration camps. Even your blatant bigotry helps My situation. Personally, I don’t care what color you are as long as you give Me a big chunk of your ready cash, but imagine those desperate parents frantically shoving pesos into the collection plates. It would be enough to bring a tear to this old god’s eye except that it might make My sunscreen run.
However, you might not have gone far enough by just making it clear you’re going to enforce the “law” by dragging children from their parent’s arms and then probably losing them. I think we can really wring more dinero from the disgustingly weepy parents if you follow My lead more closely. Here are a few more Bible ideas to get your creative juices flowing.
- Straight up wack their first born. Nothing turns the brand-loyalists further My way than a little personal loss.
- Bears. Keep a couple of bears handy for when the kids laugh at your little dried-apple face.
- This one might take even you aback for a second, but hear Me out. Two words: Human. Sacrifice. Sacrifice a few daughters to something that you worship, like the KKK or Nathan Bedford Forrest.
- Finally, if the lefties put up too big a fuss, just Titus Andronicus their asses. You can drink their salty, commie tears once you’ve made ’em eat their own kids.
There. Giving you ideas is starting to feel almost like actual work, so I’m gonna sign off. remember, if you need Me, I’m on vacation so leave Me alone.
Wish You Were Here,