Dear GrrlScientist…

(C) Homeland Security

Homeland Security Photo: GrrlScientist with Beaker of Evil

Secret Underground Laboratory, New York, NY  10024

Dear Grrl,

  I understand you’ve been saying some rather hurtful things about Me.  To whit, that I am some sort of anthropomorphic personification of hate.  Although nothing could be farther from the truth, I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t sting.  Really, a statement like that isn’t designed to make Me feel good about Myself.  Worse, I think you may have meant it when you said it.

  One of the things that makes it so unfair is that I have the highest regard for grrls of all kinds.  Well, not the know-it-all kind, of course.  Or the potty-mouth kind.  Or the kind who used to be married to Me.  Or the kind who don’t listen to their husbands.  Those last two are virtually indistinguishable, but you get the idea.

  Let Me take your arguments one by one and destroy refute them with My Gawdly… er, refutations.  Since I have such great respect for all you little ladies, I’ll just lay it out straight.  I’ll try not to be too philosophically technical – I know you grrls are always a little behind, being made last and all.

  As for hatred of all who don’t believe in Me, why that’s poppycock of the first water.  Maybe the word hasn’t reached you yet, but I’ve always had a soft spot for those who don’t believe in Me.  As a matter of record, My current Chosen People are Atheists and My former Chosen People aren’t much better.

  While it is true that I am not Love, it does not stand to reason that I am Hate.  You should think of Me more as Indifference with a Smidge of Antipathy.  But the antipathy only comes into play when a small child is kicking the back of My airline seat.  Or if you covet your neighbor’s ox.  Or masturbate.  Or live in Sodom.  Or… well, a number of things, but not that many, numerically speaking.  Oh, committing whoredom with the daughters of Moab kind of sets Me off, too.  Anyway, the point is, I am not Hate and anyone who says I am is cruising for a smiting.

  You mentioned a few other things, like pedophilia, (okay as long as the pedophile is a priest); female genital mutilation, (whatever fashion you’re into is fine, as long as you tithe); doctorcide, (okay as long as the doctor doesn’t tithe and the Pro-Lifer does); death penalty, (ditto the tithing rule), and terrorism & genocide, (of supreme indifference to Me as long as it doesn’t interfere with My vacation schedule).

  As for the brand-loyalists burning in hellfire for all eternity, I have some good news for you.  I recently re-opened Hell and instigated a points policy for things said, done and thought.  So I’m happy to say that we seem to be on the same page there.

  I also couldn’t help but notice that you put the words “supreme being” in quotation marks as if you were being slightly sarcastic.  That’s not helpful.  It sounds a lot like My old lab partner from school, Pele.  She used to say sarcastic things like that when I couldn’t understand string theory.  (Me-damned, smart-assed Hawaiian, clever clogs.)

  One thing you were absolutely spot-on right about is that some Gawds are more equal than others.  We have a sort of informal caste system that hinges on number of followers.  So, for instance, smarty-pants GrrlGod Pele isn’t allowed to drink in the Korova Milk Bar at the Deity Club anymore and Zeus must let almost anyone play through on the golf course.

  I hope that has cleared things up for you.  There’s no need to thank Me; I know you’re just a grrl and you need someone to explain things to you.  My pleasure, little lady.

Wish You Were Here,


4 responses to “Dear GrrlScientist…

  1. Pingback: Atheism: A Conscious Choice? « Rambling On

  2. I know you’re just a grrl and you need someone to explain things to you. My pleasure, little lady.

    Hmm. Remarks like that make me wish I were a goddess instead of just a chaplain.

  3. Chaplain,
    You’re in luck. Take a look at this:

  4. Pingback: Gawd Responds to GrrlScientist | This Scientific Life

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