Dear Brand-Loyalists Not Currently in Bankruptcy or Foreclosure,
Passing through Athens International Airport recently, I was waiting in the Swissport Executive Lounge and came across a book some other, (but obviously lesser), VIP had left behind. The title didn’t seem to make much sense, but I had an hour to kill, so I thumbed through it.
People, it changed My life. Not by what the book had to say, so much. For one thing, it was sadly lacking in smiting, freaky sex and, above all, Me. On the other hand, the entire idea of the book was like a lightbulb switching on in My Holy Brain. It was almost enough to convince Me to leave the omniscience on all the time, just so I could constantly have these kinds of amazing ideas.
So, here’s My genius idea. I’m going to write a book and call it Gawd Is Your Thing You Really Want at the Moment You Read This Book Title. The book I pinched found was titled [somebody or other] Is Your New Bicycle, which is pretty good, but I think Mine covers a lot more ground, thus tempting more of you to buy it. Of course, when I say “write” I mean “inspire someone else to write”. And when I say “inspire”, I mean “promise to pay”.
Each page will point out something I’ve done for you which will make you feel as if you owe Me even more than the obligatory tithe. For instance, page one might say:
Gawd made His son, who is also Him, sacrifice Himself in a really painful way to appease Himself for your sins.
Possibly, that can be trimmed a little, but you get the idea. The genius of it is that the truth or untruth of the statement is immaterial. It’s all about how guilty or grateful or warm & fuzzy it makes you feel.
Gawd helped you move a sofa.
Gawd created the US of A to be a Christian nation.
Gawd helped your Gramma across a busy street.
Gawd flooded a major city to save it from The Gay.
Gawd gave you a lift from the airport in His limousine.
Gawd found your lost car keys.
Gawd wiped out the [fill in the blank]ites so you could have a little lebensraum.
Gawd rinsed out your breakfast bowl.
Sounds like just the sort of thing you’d be happy to pay $19.95 for, doesn’t it? Just think of it. Any time you’re faced with something uncomfortable, like reality, for instance, you could just flip your copy open to a random page and get a little psychological comfort. The beauty is that it simply doesn’t matter if what you read in My book is “true” or “real” or “helpful in any concrete way” or “nothing but word salad”. As long s you believe it, (And why wouldn’t you? It says so right there in the book.), as long as you punch anyone who denies it in the eye and scream, “Help! I’m being persecuted,” it might as well be true, right?
So keep an eye on your local brand-loyalist bookstore for the leather-bound collector’s edition.
Wish You Were Here,