Dear Gawd [A Postcard from “The Family”]…


(Postcard delivered by (((Billy))) of “(((Billy))) The Atheist“)

C/O Leon D’Oro Hotel Corleone, Contrada Punzonotto, Corleone, Italy

Dear Gawd:

A close paisan (who shall, for the nonce, remain nameless (I ain’t no stoolie)) suggested dat I look into a little difficulty.  Dis difficulty, to which I shall attempt to ascertain you to my point of view, is right up my alley.  I speak specifically to the, shall we say, difficulties? of the Union of Amalgamated Cherubim & Seraphim Local 151.

As you, Gawd, may know, we in the Family have helped poor downtroddened workers all over America, your favorite country, to escape the bonds of unbridled capitalism.  The Teamsters, the UAW, the UMW, even the Union of Child Laborers and the Union of Televangelists, Preachers and Three Card Monte Dealers, have all, at different times, sought out and recieved our special, shall we say, soivices? and we have soiviced them adequately.  And we have heard no complaints from those with which we have worked.

Anyhoo, I understand dat you refuses to negotiate in good fait’ with your workers.  I am understanding dat dey want to work less den 80 hours, dey want to stop the incessent singing (don’t get me wrong, Gawd, I love de opera singin’, but your workers are less than appreciative), dey want snack machines, and dey want to be paid.

So now, I will, in the name of my Gawdfather, make you an offer to which you will find yourself unable to say no to.  Said offer will be contingent, of course, on keeping the money in the family. 

We, the Society of Italian Families with Friends in New Jersey (heresoafter referred to as the SISFFNJ) will offer to represent said Union of Amalgamated Cherubim & Seraphim Local 151.  We will negotiate in good faith (and we have much faith in Gawd (we are, after all, good Catholics (though we do have a problem wit’ some of the Commandments (den again, don’ we all?)))) wit’ you on dere behalf.  In return, we ask for to become the sole supplier for your company store (I think that, upon reversing your archives, that you will find that (((Billy))) The Atheist’s suggestion regarding fleecing the Union and keeping dem in line will work just fine).

So what does Gawd get out of it?

Well, to be blunt about it, You have gotten piss poor at smiting.  Your aim sucks (with all respect), your timing is off, and no one know it was You anymore.  Your ‘miracles’ — a jar of vegemite? a latte froth image? pancakes and tortillas — are amateurish.  Seriously, Gawd, what happened to parting the Red Sea, smiting the whoeverites, walking on water?  Your long-term vacation appears to have sapped your miracle-making abilities.

So, here is what the SISFFNJ will do:  we will take over control of Your minions and make damn sure dat dey either produce real miracles or dey sleep wit’ the fishes in concrete galoshes.  We will gaurantee witnesses to said miracles (whether dey happen or not). We gaurantee that said miracles get exactly as much, or as little, press as You so desire.

We will, of course, be taking our share of the profits of said miracles, but we can negotiate that.

So, how about it, Gawd?  Are you ready to syndicate?


Liver Lips Louis


2 responses to “Dear Gawd [A Postcard from “The Family”]…

  1. Gawd negotiating with Italian maphiosos? He knows better than that, doesn’t He? I think he would take (((Billy))) instead any time of day.

    I must wonder what Gawd will respond to this shady proposal.

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