Dear Texas…


Deep In The Heart of Wingnuttia

Dear Go-It-Aloners,

  I understand that I may soon need to bring My passport when I jet down there for Tex-Mex.  That sounds like an excellent idea to Me.  Secession is, I agree, the answer when you’re feeling a little pouty.  Why, you’d be like the Israelites leaving Egypt.  Chuck Norris even reminds Me of Moses… except Chuck is a little more circumspect about his drug use.

  If you do decide to let your petulance have free reign, there are a few things you should probably do in preparation.  First, change the state flower.  Sure, the Bluebonnet is an attractive flower, as flowers go, but newspaper accounts of being “Trapped Behind The Bluebonnet Curtain” won’t sound as tough as I know you like to imagine yourselves.  Perhaps a plant with a little more street cred.  The Venus Flytrap or Poison Oak might work for you.

  Next, you should probably change some of the words of the state song.  If I recall from a particularly booze-and-hooker-filled vacation there in late April, 1836, the last verse of the song starts, “Texas, dear Texas!  From tyrant grip now free,”.  I don’t think that gets across the depth of feeling you have for the current tyrant.  I suggest you let it all out in your state song.  Try something like,

 “Texas, Oh!!1! Texas!1!!  From uppity negro, communistofascist, baby-eating, old-lady-kicking, atheistical, muslim northerner grip now free!!!1!!”

  That gets the point across nicely, don’t you think?

  On the positive side, My old friend Chuck Norris has graciously offered to serve as your head of state.  It would be wise to ratify that, when the time comes, and not just because he’d kick your collective ass if you rejected him.  From a national defense standpoint, you couldn’t make a better choice.  Once your economy bottomed out and many of you started sneaking across the Mexican border to find work, Mexico might try to build a wall or something to keep you out.  That’s when Chuck’s Intercontinental Ballistic Fist of Doom, hidden behind his beard, will come in very handy… or fisty, as the case may be.  he could smash down the immoral wall keeping you penned in while crying the new state national motto; “We can do what we want, when we want, how we want and everyone else is a doody-head!”  Though I would imagine translating that into Latin might make it sound a little more grown-up.

  So drop Me a line as soon as you decide to secede.  I’d like to get in a bit of vacation time there before all the infrastructure collapses.  It’ll be a dream vacation.  The exchange rate ought to be something along the lines of $1 for every 2,359 Lonestarbucks.

Wish You Were Here,



26 responses to “Dear Texas…

  1. Yeah! Gawd will be able to buy the Arandas chain of taquerias for the price of a current meal of pozole soup and and a six-pack of Coronas. How cool is that? I DO wish I where there, Gawd.

  2. And the good news for Gawd is that the Texas schools will not teach anything about the age of the universe (incidentally, what was Gawd doing for the 13,699,994,000 years before ‘creation’?). So, if they secede, it should become a hotbed of intolerance, bigotry, ignorance Gawd’s most devoted followers. Should be fun. Blue laws, no strippers, no prostitution. Go for it.

    Texas: Please, go for it. And take the #@%*##@ Cowboys with you.

  3. Sorry, that should have been: “(incidentally, what was Gawd doing for the 13,694,000,000 years before ‘creation’?). “

  4. Crap. That should be 13,699,994,000 years. Could Gawd correct that in my initial comment so’s I don’t look so Texan?

    • Just in the interest of full disclosure here, (((Billy))), I am originally from Texas. So, you know, I like to think not all Texans are like the last two governors.

  5. General Sheridan said, “If I owned Hell and Texas, I’d live in Hell and rent out Texas.”

    • Far be it for me to imply that Phil Sheridan was a Northern Doody-Head, but…

      On the other hand, home state or not, I wouldn’t live in any part of it but Austin if Gawd Himself ordered me to.

  6. So what’s so special about Arandas?

    That’s where the Latinos go. We think it’s pretty damned good. So, unless Gawd is a gringo, he’s got to like Arandas.

    If he doesn’t like it. I have no choice but to accuse him of racism. Maybe he doesn’t go there to avoid the “little” guys.

  7. Ah! And please tell Gawd that Negra Modelo is the best Corona version yet. Just in case he is out of the loop, you know, since he seems ignorant of all things Latin American.

    • I don’t want to say that Gawd is racist… or misogynistic… or reactionary, but, well… He is. Along with the racism, He’s very, very white. El Gringo Supremo, if you will.
      However, the next time I’m in Houston I’ll be on the lookout.

  8. Congratulations on your escape. It amazes me how many places are good places to be from.

  9. Look at the bright side – Texas won’t dominate the American textbook industry anymore. Is there anything we can do to push them out faster?

  10. I expect your average Texan will be pretty tired once he’s finished all his teabagging and fisting! The burden of social conservatism, eh?

    • Sadly, the social conservatives never seem to tire. My theory is that they feed on the tears of minorities. And orphans. And puppies.

      By the way, I killed an enjoyable hour at work reading your blog today.

      • You mean like the Taco Bell dog?

        Thanks, I’m thrilled to hear you like it, and I’m really enjoying yours too. I sometimes feel like I spend an inordinate amount of time on mine, but positive feedback is always encouraging. I think I need to update my “reader favorites” page soon as it’s a few months out of date. I’ll be asking your opinion!


  11. Phrew… I got out of there in the nick of time, didn’t I? Reckon they’ll let people leave after the secession?

    • My theory is that they’ll let people leave the New Republic of Texas right up until the utilities start to break down and no one is picking up the garbage. After that, emigration will probably get pretty tough.

      • Ah, yes. In that case, I’m glad you and I have already escaped.

        By the way, did you find adjusting to the winters to be difficult?

        • Brutally difficult. I’m still convinced that my first two winters in NY were some sort of record-breaking, Snow-Miser-ruled, knee-deep in frozen water, winters from Hell.

          • OK, thanks for the warning. I’ve already experienced frozen nose hairs for the first time, and I understand that the day that happened was relatively mild.

            I should probably spend the spring and summer putting together an appropriate winter wardrobe, if I can. I walk a lot and take public transportation, so I’d better be well prepared.

            Hmm… Wonder if I could work something out with Gawd for my first full winter here. You think he might cut me some slack and send a mild one my way?

            • Cut you some slack? Not likely. However, He has been cheering on this Global warming thing in order to make a killing off of some new beachfront property, so maybe you can benefit from His greed.

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