Deep In The Heart of Wingnuttia
I understand that I may soon need to bring My passport when I jet down there for Tex-Mex. That sounds like an excellent idea to Me. Secession is, I agree, the answer when you’re feeling a little pouty. Why, you’d be like the Israelites leaving Egypt. Chuck Norris even reminds Me of Moses… except Chuck is a little more circumspect about his drug use.
If you do decide to let your petulance have free reign, there are a few things you should probably do in preparation. First, change the state flower. Sure, the Bluebonnet is an attractive flower, as flowers go, but newspaper accounts of being “Trapped Behind The Bluebonnet Curtain” won’t sound as tough as I know you like to imagine yourselves. Perhaps a plant with a little more street cred. The Venus Flytrap or Poison Oak might work for you.
Next, you should probably change some of the words of the state song. If I recall from a particularly booze-and-hooker-filled vacation there in late April, 1836, the last verse of the song starts, “Texas, dear Texas! From tyrant grip now free,”. I don’t think that gets across the depth of feeling you have for the current tyrant. I suggest you let it all out in your state song. Try something like,
“Texas, Oh!!1! Texas!1!! From uppity negro, communistofascist, baby-eating, old-lady-kicking, atheistical, muslim northerner grip now free!!!1!!”
That gets the point across nicely, don’t you think?
On the positive side, My old friend Chuck Norris has graciously offered to serve as your head of state. It would be wise to ratify that, when the time comes, and not just because he’d kick your collective ass if you rejected him. From a national defense standpoint, you couldn’t make a better choice. Once your economy bottomed out and many of you started sneaking across the Mexican border to find work, Mexico might try to build a wall or something to keep you out. That’s when Chuck’s Intercontinental Ballistic Fist of Doom, hidden behind his beard, will come in very handy… or fisty, as the case may be. he could smash down the immoral wall keeping you penned in while crying the new state national motto; “We can do what we want, when we want, how we want and everyone else is a doody-head!” Though I would imagine translating that into Latin might make it sound a little more grown-up.
So drop Me a line as soon as you decide to secede. I’d like to get in a bit of vacation time there before all the infrastructure collapses. It’ll be a dream vacation. The exchange rate ought to be something along the lines of $1 for every 2,359 Lonestarbucks.
Wish You Were Here,