C/O Burj Al Arab Hotel, P.O. Box 74147, Dubai, UAE
I saw this postcard on My way through Changi Airport in Singapore and it reminded Me that I’ve been meaning to write. I know We’ve had Our differences over the millenia and, of course, You’re certainly a hack and an intellectual property thief, but when You get right down to it, We are members of the same club. We’re both deities and deities have to stick together. Magic is thicker than water, as they say.
On those rare occasions when You take a break from urging Your brand-loyalists to beat their wives and daughters for honor, burn Hello Kitty in effigy and declare fatwas against cottage cheese You must have noticed how dangerous My new Chosen People, the atheists, have become. As I like to do with all of My Chosen People occasionally, it’s about time for a pogrom or a holocaust or some such. Of course, it’s all part of My Ineffable Plan and all, but it seems to Me that there’s no reason My Ineffable Plan can’t have room for, (pardon the pun), an unholy alliance. I propose that We get a few of Our old deity school chums together to lay a righteous smack-down on these loudmouth atheists of Mine. It would also show that no matter what We might say about one another over drinks in the Deity Club bar, We’re just like any group of friends… with super magical powers. Say you don’t believe in one of Us, and you’ve said it about all of Us.
I know You’ll agree that it’s very, very alarming that almost 3% of the population of Earth is atheist. Obviously, My main concern is that We don’t get Our feelings hurt by this rising tsunami of atheism. I’m doing this for You. Not just You, Al, but for the Little guys, too. Joseph Smith, Buddha, The Religiously-Applied Philosophy Formerly Known as Xenu; all of You.
So let’s get together and show what a force for good We can be! Come on! Who’s with Me?!
Right. I just turned the omniscience on. You dick; You were about to throw this postcard away. Let Me put it to You this way, then: What are You going to do if everyone stops paying into Your vacation fund?
Wish You Were Here,