Dear Allah…

C/O Burj Al Arab Hotel, P.O. Box 74147, Dubai, UAE

Dear Al,

  I saw this postcard on My way through Changi Airport in Singapore and it reminded Me that I’ve been meaning to write.  I know We’ve had Our differences over the millenia and, of course, You’re certainly a hack and an intellectual property thief, but when You get right down to it, We are members of the same club.  We’re both deities and deities have to stick together.  Magic is thicker than water, as they say.

  On those rare occasions when You take a break from urging Your brand-loyalists to beat their wives and daughters for honor, burn Hello Kitty in effigy and declare fatwas against cottage cheese You must have noticed how dangerous My new Chosen People, the atheists, have become.  As I like to do with all of My Chosen People occasionally, it’s about time for a pogrom or a holocaust or some such.  Of course, it’s all part of My Ineffable Plan and all, but it seems to Me that there’s no reason My Ineffable Plan can’t have room for, (pardon the pun), an unholy alliance.  I propose that We get a few of Our old deity school chums together to lay a righteous smack-down on these loudmouth atheists of Mine.  It would also show that no matter what We might say about one another over drinks in the Deity Club bar, We’re just like any group of friends… with super magical powers.  Say you don’t believe in one of Us, and you’ve said it about all of Us.

  I know You’ll agree that it’s very, very alarming that almost 3% of the population of Earth is atheist.   Obviously, My main concern is that We don’t get Our feelings hurt by this rising tsunami of atheism.  I’m doing this for You.  Not just You, Al, but for the Little guys, too.  Joseph Smith, Buddha, The Religiously-Applied Philosophy Formerly Known as Xenu; all of You.

  So let’s get together and show what a force for good We can be!  Come on!  Who’s with Me?!

  Right.  I just turned the omniscience on.  You dick; You were about to throw this postcard away.  Let Me put it to You this way, then:  What are You going to do if everyone stops paying into Your vacation fund?

Wish You Were Here,


13 responses to “Dear Allah…

  1. elaine priscilla K

    I am an Atheist and proud to be one. I fight for peace between nations to make the World a better place. Do not go against atheists as George Bush did by saying we were not fit to fight for a country, and now he states that torture is ok, very Christain I think not.Yes put your points of view forward but do not put down those with opposite views.

  2. Pogrom!? Um . . . oh jeez . . . can’t we talk about this?

    :: leaves vegetable garden harvest on an altar as a sacrifice and runs off ::

    • Good thought, Ahab, but Gawd’s much more partial to Filet Mignon avec Sauce Bernaise. Perhaps a bottle of Chateau Lafitte to wash it down. This is why He feels it’s so important to tithe regularly.

  3. Postie, you’re a genius.
    I can almost actually see such an entity, doing these things.
    If, as we are oh so smarmily told, man is in the image of this deity, that’s pretty much what I’ve always figured it WOULD write.

    But then, my thesis is that it’s the other way around, the image thing…

    • Wow, Sarge. Saying Gawd is an image of Man is sure a nasty thing to say about mankind. Though I feel you must be correct, because you called me a genius, thus making it inconceivable that you could be wrong about anything.

  4. There’s a fatwa against cottage cheese? What are dieters going to eat now?

  5. I think it was I who prompted Gawd to talk to his allies about atheism.

    I went back home and told everybody who would ask how wrong I thought Christianity was. The 60+ evangelicals of my extended family heard it every time I saw inconsistencies and hypocritical Christian behaviour. “I’ve never met a Christian who wasn’t a hypocrite.”

  6. Does this mean that Imams will have to start (or continue (I don’t see too many articles about Imamic pecadillos with male meth prostititutes)) consorting with male prostitutes addicted to meth? ‘Cause that could get them stoned (in more ways than one)!

  7. Oh, Gawd….have you forsaken us??? I have dilligently been awaiting, and re-vsisiting in hopes of, a postcard from You to shed some light on all of the shenanigans that have gone down this “2011.” I mean, I know You’ve been busy and all, clearly, but your thoughts and clarity on these matters have surely been missed…

    BIG ::ssiiiigggghh::

    -Direction Desired

    • DeeeeeDeeeee,
      Thanks for the support. I began feeling as if Gawd was saying the same things over and over and I sort of drifted off to other things. Perhaps I should, at the very least, give him a bit of closure.

  8. You posted this on my birthday and I’ve had two more birthdays since. Where ya been? ::waves:: 😀

  9. Hi Lottie. The short answer is, “Not writing, like I probably ought to be doing.” Also, not keeping up with old pals from ’round here. I almost excitedly told you that I’ll be in London this summer, but then remembered that your husband moved to the US, not vice-versa. I’d have happily hoisted a beer with you guys.

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