Willard InterContinental Washington Hotel, Washington, DC 20004
Dear Messrs. Oil,
This is to inform you that I am in receipt of your postcards of the 14th of June, sent “overnight delivery” and marked “Urgent”. If I am reading your somewhat hysterical requests correctly, you seem to feel that the universe is coming to an end. I shall begin at the beginning and answer your requests in order, (although I am on vacation at the moment).
First, the request that this process not work – denied. Science is science, and I’m on vacation anyway. Also, no one likes a big, fat, greedy SOB.
Second, that it be worse for the environment than the oil you sell – ditto the above answer.
Third, that these bacteria only turn diamonds and little baby kittens into oil – denied. I understand it uses wheat straw and wood chips and such. Plus… you’re sick.
Fourth, that it take an expensive and, if possible, painful car modification to use – again; science, vacation, your greed is putting Me off dinner at the Bellagio Casino Buffet.
Fifth, that it cost much more than even you are willing to charge – denied. I understand it will cost less, especially in the long run.
Finally, just so you’ll sleep better at night, that I “smite LS9 and all who have ever heard of it, (excepting us)” – denied. I’m on vacation; I promised a group of South American, Amerindian and Pacific Island gods I’d go to anger management classes to quit that sort of thing; and of course, I have to pay to fill up My rental car, you putzs!
Wish You Were Here, (on this slippery-decked boat in the middle of the ocean),