Dear Jeff Sessions…

bears

Dear Jeff,

First of all, I want to be clear that although a great many citizens of My Chosen Country think of you as a racist Keebler elf, I couldn’t be more happy with you.  Your cartoonish tiny little face makes Me chuckle every time I see it.

I was just relaxing poolside at a tasteful hotel in the dessert… or is it desert?  Me damn it, now I’m hungry for a slice of double chocolate truffle layer cake.  It’s a good thing My brand-loyalists, the Christians, keep diligently forking over the cash to keep me in expensive hotels and eating expensive cake.  Anyway, I was sort of half paying attention to the TV in the lobby when I saw your adorable white-supremacist punim smirking out at Me.  So I had a half dozen cabana boys carry My lounger in to hear what you had to say.

If I weren’t on perpetual vacation I would hold a press conference to publicly agree with you.  I mean, fuck those kids, right?  The little ankle biters never tithe into My vacation fund and that, alone, is enough to chap My nips.  Add into the mix the appalling fact that airlines allow the stunted snot rags into first class where they’re always crying or kicking the back of My seat and I couldn’t care less if you stick ’em in concentration camps.  Even your blatant bigotry helps My situation.  Personally, I don’t care what color you are as long as you give Me a big chunk of your ready cash, but imagine those desperate parents frantically shoving pesos into the collection plates.  It would be enough to bring a tear to this old god’s eye except that it might make My sunscreen run.

However, you might not have gone far enough by just making it clear you’re going to enforce the “law” by dragging children from their parent’s arms and then probably losing them.  I think we can really wring more dinero from the disgustingly weepy parents if you follow My lead more closely.  Here are a few more Bible ideas to get your creative juices flowing.

  1. Straight up wack their first born.  Nothing turns the brand-loyalists further My way than a little personal loss.
  2. Bears.  Keep a couple of bears handy for when the kids laugh at your little dried-apple face.
  3. This one might take even you aback for a second, but hear Me out.  Two words:  Human.  Sacrifice.  Sacrifice a few daughters to something that you worship, like the KKK or Nathan Bedford Forrest.
  4. Finally, if the lefties put up too big a fuss, just Titus Andronicus their asses.  You can drink their salty, commie tears once you’ve made ’em eat their own kids.

There.  Giving you ideas is starting to feel almost like actual work, so I’m gonna sign off.  remember, if you need Me, I’m on vacation so leave Me alone.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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I’m back… What’s been going on?

Homecoming-church-500x261

Many of you may wonder where I’ve been for the past eight years… not to mention the 6,000 before that.  And the answer is, of course, 1) on vacation, 2) nunya business and 3) fuck off.  How you like that answer?  It’s like the Trinity – three things that are also one thing.  Separate but equal.

I see there’s a new POTUS.  Some people are saying he was chosen by Me.  Those people are, as always, delusional.  Don’t get Me wrong, I couldn’t care less that you’re saddled with an ignorant, orange, bloated, racist, narcissistic gasbag.  it minds not Me that he talks like a plate of beans negotiating it’s way through the digestive tract of a hog.  It’s no skin off My divine nose that there is medical waste floating down the Ganges River that would make better presidents than him.  The fact is, I care a great deal more for my mid-morning gin and tonic than I do for you or anyone you know.  Oh, and the tithing.  I care about the tithing.

Of course, I’ve had chosen people from time to time.  The pogroms and persecution and such are real knee-slappers.  I like watching that even more than Dancing With the Stars.  The Jews used to be My chosen people, but once they got Israel back and started giving the oppression instead of taking… well, they just quit being fun.  I thought about making the Palestinians My new chosen people but they kind of depress Me, to be honest.  Then I thought maybe the LGBT folks, but they’ve been oppressed since I published My first book and I wanted to mix things up a bit.  So I made the atheists My chosen people.  No large scale persecution yet, but I’ve got My fingers crossed.  Also, some of the atheists are Jewish, LGBT and African American, so, you know… four birds, one stoning.

Oh, I see it’s time for my post-gin and tonic massage here at the Trump International Hotel on Waikiki Beach, so I’ve got to run.  And remember, keep giving that cash every Sunday.  Your “donation” could be the difference between business class and first class.

Dear Allah…

C/O Burj Al Arab Hotel, P.O. Box 74147, Dubai, UAE

Dear Al,

  I saw this postcard on My way through Changi Airport in Singapore and it reminded Me that I’ve been meaning to write.  I know We’ve had Our differences over the millenia and, of course, You’re certainly a hack and an intellectual property thief, but when You get right down to it, We are members of the same club.  We’re both deities and deities have to stick together.  Magic is thicker than water, as they say.

  On those rare occasions when You take a break from urging Your brand-loyalists to beat their wives and daughters for honor, burn Hello Kitty in effigy and declare fatwas against cottage cheese You must have noticed how dangerous My new Chosen People, the atheists, have become.  As I like to do with all of My Chosen People occasionally, it’s about time for a pogrom or a holocaust or some such.  Of course, it’s all part of My Ineffable Plan and all, but it seems to Me that there’s no reason My Ineffable Plan can’t have room for, (pardon the pun), an unholy alliance.  I propose that We get a few of Our old deity school chums together to lay a righteous smack-down on these loudmouth atheists of Mine.  It would also show that no matter what We might say about one another over drinks in the Deity Club bar, We’re just like any group of friends… with super magical powers.  Say you don’t believe in one of Us, and you’ve said it about all of Us.

  I know You’ll agree that it’s very, very alarming that almost 3% of the population of Earth is atheist.   Obviously, My main concern is that We don’t get Our feelings hurt by this rising tsunami of atheism.  I’m doing this for You.  Not just You, Al, but for the Little guys, too.  Joseph Smith, Buddha, The Religiously-Applied Philosophy Formerly Known as Xenu; all of You.

  So let’s get together and show what a force for good We can be!  Come on!  Who’s with Me?!

  Right.  I just turned the omniscience on.  You dick; You were about to throw this postcard away.  Let Me put it to You this way, then:  What are You going to do if everyone stops paying into Your vacation fund?

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Universe…

 

Universe Gamma-33/Rho-Theta-7

Dear Everyone Everywhere,

  I know I promised I’d be there for your birthday this year, but something extremely important came up… as far as you know.

  Okay, look, the truth is, even though I made you a cake last year, you’re just getting too old for birthday parties.  I can’t show up in a clown suit on your birthday any more.  It’s just not dignified.  But don’t get all weepy about it, you’re a big universe now.  Anyway, it’s n0t like I forgot, exactly.  I grabbed this card on the way through Charles de Gaulle Airport.  It was the only one in a language I approve of.

  Right.  They’re calling My flight, so buck up, don’t cry and I hope you had a nice birthday.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Chilean Miners…

Somewhere in Chili Con Carne or Sopapilla or Huevos Rancheros

Dear Third-World Collectors of My Metallic Vacation Fund,

  When your horrible ordeal began, I had no idea that this rescue craze would be so popular.  If I’d known, I would have sent more than a handful of brand-loyalists to take credit on My behalf.  Actually, I thought you guys were goners.  When Republican Jesus called to tell Me how very big the rescue ratings were, I thought; Okay, it’s popular, but is it popular like crack cocaine or like gay bashing?  Is it popular like incessantly running your tongue over a broken tooth or like bigotry?  Like a train wreck or like date rape?  Certainly those are popular things, but do they get the kind of press I want to be associated with?  I have enough trouble distancing Myself from Glenn Beck.  The last thing I need is headlines like “Gawd Snuffs 33 Miners“.

  That’s one of the main reasons I stay out of the rescue business.  They’re just potential PR disasters.  Also, I’m on vacation.  Besides, I can usually count on My brand-loyalists giving Me credit when the rescue comes off and keeping their traps shut when it doesn’t.  They’re always giving Me great, (unpaid), PR.  If you listen to the brand-loyalists, I’m like some kind of super hero who swoops in and saves the day at the last minute.  The best thing about it, (other than the fact that I don’t have to interrupt My vacation and come to the middle of nowhere to fix someone else’s problems), is that hardly anyone ever wonders, “Hey, if omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent Gawd is rescuing miners and curing people’s cancer and finding their car keys; who’s causing all the problems in the first place?”  Of course, when some dickhole does ask uncomfortable questions, My, (again, unpaid), PR machine swings into gear and blames My professional scapegoat, Satan, or free will or something like that.  I can get the credit without doing anything, so why bother?

  So imagine My surprise when I found out I was trapped in that mine with you.  Like I say, I’m happy to take the credit for all the hard work the rescuers did, but unless that mine has room service, a spa and a top-notch concierge, I’m certain I wasn’t there.  In fact, I’d appreciate it if you’d stop telling people that.  What self-respecting deity would be caught dead down a dark, dangerous, boring hole in the ground?  Maybe Vulcan, but not This Guy.

  Anyway, glad you fellas made it out alright, thanks for the shout out and don’t forget to put a little something extra in the collection plate this week and a big something extra once your book deal comes through.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Dear Pluto…

1 Death and Taxes Way, The Underworld

Hey, You daughter-snatching son-of-a-gun,

  How are You?  I was just thinking of You last night and I decided to drop a line.  I was in New York City for Comic Con and I found Myself being chauffeured along Central Park West, looking at the trees changing color and it reminded Me that it’s time for Your wife to visit… You incestuous, kidnapping fucker.  Ha!  We really need to hang out again sometime.  I forgot what a blast You are.

  Anyway, I was near Central Park because I was invited to speak at the 10th Anniversary Isaac Asimov Debate:  Is Earth Unique?  Normally, I don’t even reply to these sorts of invitations, but a) I convinced the Hayden Planetarium to pay My airfare and b) the question’s a no-brainer, right?

  So I got there and it turned out that they wanted Me to share a stage with some sciencey types.  Well, You can imagine the Wrath of Me I unleashed!  There’s at least one PR intern at the American Museum of Natural History who will think twice before  she utters the words “You’ll go on after Professor Adams…” again.  After I maturely threw My drink in her face, made her cry and calmly stormed out, It occurred to Me that the only responsible thing to do would be to stand in the back of the audience and heckle.

  This is where it gets a little spooky, as far as You’re concerned.  Now remember, I had just been thinking of You moments before.  Guess who the first person to walk on stage was?  Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson.  Yeah, I know, right?  Your arch enemy.  It really brings home that “more things in Heaven and Earth” stuff, doesn’t it?  I was so flabbergasted that I forgot to heckle out loud and just harumphed a few times and once pretended to cough while saying “Bullshit”.  As You well know, the answer to the question is a simple “Yes”, since I created everything* 6,000 years ago, solely for the use of the human race**.  But the science types hemmed and hawed and blathered on about Goldilocks and liquid methane and plate tectonics and the Moon until I was bored stiff.  The long and short of the thing was that one of them, Brownlee, agreed with Me in an overly sciencey way and the other four will be roasting in Hell™ for all eternity.

  The only other things worth mentioning were that all the scientists were men, so even if they never even acknowledged Me, at least they had that going for them.  The other was that I punked all those science geeks in the end.  Some kid in the audience was asking a question and was about to use the term “intelligent life” when I wriggled My nose and made him say “intelligent design”.  Ha!  It caused a low moan to race through the audience.  In the end I’m calling it a win for Me, since they all went home with “intelligent design” planted in their heads.

  Let’s plan to get together in the Spring when the old ball and chain leaves.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

*  For a given set of “everything”.

**  As far as they know.

Dear Jesus & Jesus…

For Hand Delivery – Signature Required

Boys,

  From time to time, the waitress at the hotel pool takes a little longer than I’d like to refill My drink.  It’s during these long, dark teatimes of the soul, (to coin a phrase), that My mind sometimes wanders to the family business.  Now, before You start rolling Your eyes and muttering, “Oh, Mithras”, You just remember that I’m still, technically, the CEO.  Before You two start getting too big for Your loincloths, let Me remind You that I’m still Your father and You’re not too old for an old-fashioned smiting.

  Right.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  It was during one of these interminable waits for a refill that I came up with some pretty good ideas for Our brand.  So listen up.

  It seems to Me that there are far too many, (>0), people not wearing Our brand logos.  As long as there are other brands with snappy logos out there, like Hindus with the elephants and arms, or Thorians with the hammer, or Macsters with their apples, then a certain percentage of the market is loyal to a brand that We don’t own a stake in.  To My mind, that’s just the same as stealing money out of My pocket.  And that… is the unforgivable sin.

  So, first of all, I want You two to come up with some new logos.  That cross and fish thing is beginning to make Me tired.  They were fine for a bunch of ignorant savages, 2,000 years ago, but this is the Me-damned 21st century!  Sure, when you couldn’t turn around without bumping into some poor slob being crucified, the cross was a great image to hitch Our wagon to.  Same thing with the fish.  When everyone who mattered lived around the Mediterranean rim, You could bet Your ass fish was on everyone’s minds.  But times have changed and, frankly, We’ve worn those images out.  We need something ubiquitous to the modern world, (by the way, thanks for that “word a day” calendar You got Me for Rosh Hashana).  I toyed with the idea of getting input from Pope Ratzi’s people, but I’m not sure that a tiny naked child would be universal enough.  Look around You.  What do You see?  Personally, I see minimum wage hotel employees ready to cater to My every whim.  Imagine You’re some unimportant nobody, though.  Some schmuck who has to catch the bus or carpool to work in the morning.  What’s this pathetic waste of skin going to see all day long at the office?  No, not internet porn… but close.  Computers!  Think about it.  We change our logo to a spiffy silhouette of the common computer, and before long We’re what people think of every time they sit down to generate the daily weenus report, every time they have a sneaky, shameful wank when the wife’s out shopping, every time they pay the heating bill.  I see no way this could go wrong for us.

  So, once You’ve rebranded, I want You to start with booze.  In My experience, a drink or three is something everyone has every day.  Slap the new logo on that before anything else.

  Second, and just as importantly, We’ve got to make sure that the current brand-loyalists push the new logo.  It’s no good switching if We don’t bring in new consumers.  Part and parcel of that is respect for the brand.  Brand-loyalists must, must, must insist on universal respect.  That’s why I’ve attached the hamster comic.  On the one hand, everyone likes cute animals, and on the other, it’s an excellent instruction manual for them.  I understand the competition, (Allah, LLC), has had excellent results with this same policy.  So make sure You disseminate this video instruction to all branches.

  Okay, they’re boarding first class now, so I’ve got to go.  Keep up the good work, or whatever, and I’ll see You at the centennial board meeting.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd