Dear Astronomers…

Geneva University, Geneva, Switzerland

Dear Astrologers Astronomers,

  You couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you?  Most of you, as you are well aware, are My New Chosen People.  As such, the Earth is your “Promised Land”*  So why do you have to keep poking your noses into My other planets?  I’ve been saving Gliese 581d for the Mormons.  I sort of promised every one of them, (excluding womenfolk, of course), their own planet; not realizing a) that there would ever be need of more than a couple dozen and b) that I would have to come up with some kind of FTL Drive to get them there.  So, look… hands off, okay?

  I don’t know how you even found out about this one.  I know I didn’t tell you.  I learned My lesson there after I told Douglas Adams about Ursa Minor Beta.  Now the place is overrun with tourists.  Do you know how much trouble it was to get that place right?  I had to sub-contract a lot of the design and construction out to Pele.  I used to do a lot of My vacationing there, but ever since Doug published a description and location the place is too crowded with hitchhiking astrologers astronomers to bother.

  It is a West Zone planet which by an inexplicable and somewhat suspicious freak of topography consists almost entirely of sub- tropical coastline. By an equally suspicious freak of temporal relastatics, it is nearly always Saturday afternoon just before the beach bars close.

  I really loved that place.

  So you’re not getting your grubby hands on Gliese 581d.  I spent a good deal of time and energy on making this one perfect for Mormons.  Well… a couple of hours, but I did it all Myself this time.  As you can see from the photo, it’s pet-friendly, has a diverse eco-system that supports as many as three types of fauna at once and external breathing apparatus is only required during the summer.

  If I have to whip up a replacement on the spur of the moment, it’s liable not to be My best work.

  So you guys can have Uranus, alright?  I can’t even fob that one off on the Mormons since some Me-damned do-gooder told them about the name.

Wish You Were Here, (Instead of Ursa Minor Beta),


*Subject to certain restrictions; not valid for cities containing 5-star hotels.


17 responses to “Dear Astronomers…

  1. Before you fob that off on some johnny-come-lately’s, you might want to do something about the health of the local fauna. That Anterian Wolfsnake looks like she has a really bad cold.

    • You know how Gawd hates to micromanage. I imagine He’s counting on the old “Feed a cold, starve a fever” thing. Once there are a few Mormons around to snack on, she’ll be right as rain.

  2. I don’t get it. Why is Gawd bitching so bitterly about the over population of Ursa Minor Beta?

    I don’t care if it is over populated. In fact, I like it better if it is. There is no doubt in my mind that there are lots of illegal immigrants there to cut my lawn and take care of my children while I play canasta with my shinny white friends at the club.

    I am also sure that there are hundreds of taco trucks to indulge my spicy tooth, and lots of Chinese to sell me BBQ’d duck on steam rice.

    Frankly, Gawd and I will never understand each other. Let’s make that very clear.

    • Oh, it’s not the service industry He’s complaining about, Lorena. It’s all the extra tourists.
      He’s all for immigrant yard-workers named Paco and Christmas Duck w/Head. He just doesn’t care to have their attention divided.

      • No excuse. Gawd probably can’t eat all the tacos from the taco trucks, considering that he buys nothing for his hard-working crew.

        I would have some patience with him if he were kind enough to send a couple of trucks to horrible-Mexican-food land, Canada.

        But hey, who needs to go to hell when one has to eat Taco Time & Taco Bell crap and call it “Mexican Food.”

        • Lorena,

          I feel your pain, Mexican food-wise. Being originally from Texas, I grew up on great Tex-Mex, but good luck finding any in NY. I can find anything else at all here. There’s even really good bar-b-que, but Tex-Mex is right out.

          As for how many tacos Gawd can eat, I think you’d be surprised.

          • Well, my almost see-through white skinned, Canadian husband can’t stand the local “Mexican” food either. When we go to the States (about 3 times a year) he acts like a kid at mealtimes. Like a good boy, he would eat anything I suggested, but if I mention a taco truck or a taqueria in the Mexican side of town, his eyes shine with untold joy. Lucky for him, I speak Spanish and I am not afraid to ask other Latinos where to find the best food.

            Obviously, then, I am not shocked to hear that whitest of whitests, El Supremo gringo, Gawd would eat lots of tacos. Perfectly understandable.

            • Lorena, I sympathize with you.
              I grew up in California’s Central Valley, so we always had lots of good Mexican food. Last year, while driving home from Colorado, we stopped at a “Taco Time” in Utah around 11PM. The menu included “Mexi-Rice” and “Mexi-Beans” and the large burrito on the menu was called “The Big Juan”. If we had seen another place open in the previous 50 miles, we wouldn’t have stopped.

              The young folk working there were almost unanimously “frog-belly” white, and must have thought we were more Californians on drugs, because we could barely stop laughing long enough to order. Needless to say, it was ghastly. It made Taco Bell look good.

  3. Too bad Darth Vader blew up Alderaan. That might have been a cozy place for the Mormons.

    • Ironically, it was already full of Mormons. Go figure, huh? But not surprising DV blew it up, I guess. You know how the Jediists hate all that “magic underpants” stuff.

      • Completely off topic, but you mentioned magic underwear and it got me thinking about the theistic worldview. When we are babies or toddlers, we soil ourselves. Rather than sit in shit all day, mommy or daddy comes along and replaces the underpants (diapers). No effor on the part of the kid, it just magically happens. As adults, many theists, no matter how deep the shit they are in, wait for the magic skydaddy to show up and change their magic underpants so they don’t have to sit in the shit they created. Does Gawd change?

  4. I’ve been saving Gliese 581d for the Mormons. I sort of promised every one of them, (excluding womenfolk, of course), their own planet; not realizing a) that there would ever be need of more than a couple dozen

    Best. Mormon. Joke. Ever.

    • I’m not sure He was joking. His sense of humor tends to be more like slip-on-a-banana-peel; fall-into-lava-pit.

      And speaking of lava pits, I thought of you when I saw this today.

  5. Well Gawd clearly has a better sense of humor than the rest of us, even when he’s not trying.

    Thanks for the link. That made me chuckle. As I commented on the blog you linked to, I was always under the impression that Obama was Sauron rather than Isildur, but now it’s clear someone’s pulling his strings…

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