Dear Bill Maher…

Gawd Forbids You to See This!

C/O True Public Relations, 6725 Sunset Blvd., Ste. 570, Hollywood, CA  90028

Billy,

  I don’t know if you recall, but I was recently forced to open Hell back up.  I didn’t want to, but those SOB’s over at the Alliance Defense Fund made Me do it by trying to steal money right out of My Divine Pocket.  Now, you’ve got to ask yourself, “If Gawd would do that because of something His own brand-loyalists did, what in His name would He do to me?”

  The fact is, Bill, that I like atheists.  Always have.  The conversation is generally better, they tend not to do things that cause long lines at the airport and I put more trust in their food preparation.  So when you came along I had high hopes.  I thought you were the kind of guy I’d be happy to have a drink with in the bar at the Beverly Hills Hotel.  I didn’t even really mind that you don’t seem to know what an atheist is.  But then you started talking like a wackaloon.

  Bill, you can’t be a rational person six days a week and one day of the week go on Larry King and say that vaccines will kill you.  Can you imagine how wroth I would be if I were sitting in first class one day and the sky-waitress sneezed a fluey sneeze all over My scotch because she didn’t have the intelligence to get a shot?

  So that’s why I’m not keen on having a drink and sharing a bowl of pretzels with you, now.  But the reason I’m really just seriously wroth as all Hell is because of your new movie.  I flew into San Francisco Friday morning for a spot of well-earned vacation and had a couple of hours to kill before My tour of the Scharffen Berger Chocolate factory.  So I popped into the Sundance Kabuki Cinema to see Religulous.

  It was funny, Bill.  You hit a lot of the usual brand-loyalist talking points and made them look ridiculous.  I don’t mind that; they generally creep Me out.  Bumping into them on vacation is always a nightmare.  They constantly want Me to bless them, pull them out of a mess of their own making, find their car keys or tell them it’s alright to bomb somebody – and that’s just when I vacation in Crawford, TX.  No, the movie was great, Bill.  I especially liked that bit where you got the US senator to admit that he’s a complete moron.

  The problem here, Bill… the problem is that there’s the slight chance you may cause a few brand-loyalists to stop tithing.  I can’t have that.  That is not kosher.

  You’ve put Me in a tough spot.  I like atheists; even the ones who aren’t sure of the definition.  Hell, some of My best friends are atheists – to coin a phrase.  However, the one thing I like above all else is paid vacation.  So I hope you won’t take this the wrong way that I’m going to have to a) forbid all brand-loyalists to see your movie and b) rendition you to Hell when you die.  Not forever, of course.  That would be sadistic.  No, just for a month or so; just enough time for a bit of red-hot buggery and some weeping & gnashing.  I’m sure you understand.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd