Dear Richard Dawkins…

Comedy Central

Photo: Comedy Central

Charles Simonyi Professor of the Public Understanding of Science, Oxford University


Dear Rick,


  You may not remember Me, but we had a short but stimulating conversation over a pint at the Lamb & Flag a few years ago.  My sons and I had a speaking engagement at Trinity College, (a deity’s got to pay for His vacations any way He can), and you were kind enough to make us feel welcome.  So I was a bit embarrassed when I heard that some of My marks suckers “brand partisans” were wishing that you would be run over by a church van.


  I hope it goes without saying that I don’t condone this sort of thing.  I’ve often said that I prefer atheists in most every field from simple conversation to medicine to food preparation.  Why, some of My best friends are atheists.  This is not, of course, an apology of any kind.  I’m sure you understand that it’s nothing personal.  It’s just that if I apologize for one thing, then I’ve got to apologize for everything, and what deity has that kind of time?  As many of My smarmiest and most self-righteous “brand partisans” will tell you, there is also no need to apologize because anyone who gets too partisanny isn’t a real Christian/Theist/Believer/What-have-You.  My modus operandi is to cut loose anyone who opens Me up to lawsuits and such, which I think is very white of Me.  As I may have mentioned over an excellent beer that day at the L & F, I believe in swift and terrible smiting of anyone who causes interruption in My vacation schedule.


  Truly, I can’t stress enough just how mortified I am that some of the people whose tithes make My full vacation schedule possible are making death threats.  And the mouths on some of them!  Phrew!  The whole thing would, I am sure, make the Baby Jesii cry if They were still babies.  It’s especially sad because you atheists are, in many ways, a very admirable people.  Why, you’re excellent typists, I understand, and you have an uncanny natural rhythm.


  Just like My friend, Stephen Colbert, doesn’t see color; I don’t see religion.  So I would like to invite you to be My Atheist Friend.  I’m sure it will more than make up for any death threats you’ve received.


Wish You Were Here,




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