Dear Alliance Defense Fund…

David Horsey

Copyright: David Horsey

15100 North 90th St., Scottsdale, AZ 85260

Dear Larcenous Purloiners,

  You may wonder why I call you larcenous.  Let Me explain Myself.  The reason I call you thieving pickpockets is because you are trying to thieve money right out of My pockets!  Ipso Me-Damned Facto!  Where in the name of Cruise do you get off?!  Purposefully endangering your tax-exempt status?!  I…  My…  My boys are on the phone with Our lawyers right now.

  And don’t, by My Holey Underpants, try to tell Me you didn’t know you were trying to steal from Me.  You said it yourself.

“Churches are exempt from taxation under the principle that there is no surer way to destroy religion than to begin taxing it.”

  You’re trying to ruin My vacation, aren’t you, you… you… PUTZES!  Gawddammit!

  Oh, great.  Now look what you made Me do.  I’ve taken My own name in vain.  Oh, that… that is it.  I am opening Hell back up.  Do you remember what I did to that weaselly little toad Uzzah when he just touched My stuff?  I killed his ass stone dead.  And not just his ass, but him, too.  That’s too good for, though.  You, I curse – Es zol dir dunern in boykh un blitsn in di hoyzn!  (You should thunder in your belly and lightning in your pants!)  Ruen zolstu nisht afile in keyver!  (May you find no rest even in the grave.)

  I should never have let My boy found the Republican Party!  They’re the ones who put you up to this, aren’t they?  Them, I curse, too.  John Mccain, may you always be confused and have no control over your temper!  May you lie every time you open your mouth and everyone notice it!  I strike you old!  Sarah Palin, may you be a ditzy embarrassment to all women!  May you be found guilty of abuse of power!  May your daughter marry a thuggish idiot!  May all Republicans turn fat, white, racist and doughy!  May your brains atrophy from lack of use!

  You are all dead to Me.

  …

  Er… but don’t stop tithing.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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3 responses to “Dear Alliance Defense Fund…

  1. It’s been a very long time since I said this but, Amen and praise Gawd!

  2. Yep. There are few things He gets worked up about these days, but endanger His cash flow and watch the lightning bolts fly.

  3. Pingback: Dear Bill Maher… « “Gone Fishin’: Postcards From God”

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