Photo: Hawaiianluauparty.com
Dear Atheists,
I just heard that you’re going to be in Hawaii, instead of at the Democratic National Convention. That’s great news. I’m headed that way, myself. I’ll be getting together with Akua, My Polynesian opposite number, and Kanaloa, God of Death & Squid, for a good, old-fashioned luau and a little surfing. We’d be happy to have you along; a little intelligent conversation wouldn’t go amiss. Just, whatever you do, don’t show up Kanaloa on the longboard. Believe Me, a kraken in the small of the back can cast something of a pall on the fun.
If it makes you feel better about missing the convention, I was invited to speak at both, but turned them down. I tell them every four years that I’m on vacation, but it’s almost as if they’re not listening. I tell them and tell them; the two things I’ll never do again are politics and acting. I’d have to be meshuga! It’s already hard enough getting through the airport with all the security. Can you imagine if there were autograph hounds and press to wade through?
I wonder sometimes if all of your politicians are mentally unstable. I mean, Thomas H. Cruise! You’d think after 230-some-odd years of quite conspicuous absence, they’d get the point. The last time I got involved in politics and named someone “king by the grace of Me”, was Louis XVI. Oy vey, what a disaster! I had to invent the word “oik” just for him. Of course, he was never as bad as this king you fellows have now; George II. Oh, wait… you call them “presidents” now, don’t you. Anyway, the point still stands. I didn’t elect him, your Supreme Court did. All I did was say that if he had such a problem with Saddam, why didn’t he take his lunch money and give him a wedgie? Next thing you know, BAM! “Gawd told me to invade Iraq.” If that’s not unstable, I don’t know what is.
Anyway, I’ve gotten off-topic a little. I just wrote to invite you guys to a luau and some surfing because I prefer your company. You don’t lose your minds if I have a drink or two and make a pass at the waitress. We can talk science & archaeology, experiment with coconut rum and eat calamari in front of Kanaloa. Just promise Me, no religion and no politics. I’m on vacation.
Wish You Were Here,
~Gawd
"Gone Fishin': Postcards From God" 