Dear Jesii…

C/O Democratic National Convention


Dear Boys,


  Having a wonderful time in Hawaii.  I hope You’re having a good time in Denver.  Better You than Me, I say.


  Speaking of, I’m quite glad the Democrats kicked the atheists out of the convention.  If they hadn’t, My trip wouldn’t be nearly as fun.  As You know, I just popped over to the Islands for a quick visit with Akua, My Polynesian opposite number, and Kanaloa, god of death and squid.  We thought We might go to a luau and maybe do a little surfing before I hopped a flight to Finland, Akua took a 30-year power nap and Kanaloa got back to work on His monograph for the Journal of Experimental Marine Biology & Ecology.  But then, just as a gesture – since I kind of like them, I invited the millions of American atheists who suddenly had nowhere to go, to come out to Hawaii for an impromptu party.


  And We have been having a ball.  Back before I retired I had to take a pretty hard line with them, you know; business is business.  Now that I’m retired, though, I find they make for much better company than the Gawd-Botherers.  (That’s not to say that all the brand loyalists shouldn’t keep giving Me money, obviously.  Be sure to remind them of it at the DNC.)


  Anyway, like I said, We’re having a blast.  Once the atheists started showing up, so did Everyone else.  Some of those crazy Discworld guys hopped in a VW microbus and have been crashing on Ohiri’s couch.  It’s always nice to see those nutty bastards, but I must say My feelings are mixed about Bilious, God of Hangovers being here.  PZ Myers really hit it off with Kanaloa.  They’ve been keeping us all in stitches with squid tricks.  The Friendly Atheist showed up and read to us from Illustrated Stories from the Bible.  Possum Momma gave us all biblical parenting tips around a spooky campfire last night that even left Errata, Goddess of Misunderstandings, scared and appalled.  Flying Spaghetti Monster flew in and fed the multitude with meatballs.  Then Christopher Hitchens crashed the party, got roaring drunk and wrestled Offler, the crocodile god.  Petulia, Goddess of Negotiable Affection, stood on top of a picnic table and told all the atheists that they only showed up so they could sin.  It brought the house down.


  I’m telling You, You’re missing a great time.  This party may go on for weeks.  I’ve already postponed My flight to Finland and I’ve never seen Akua look so awake.  So, look; as soon as You’ve got all the Democratic Gawd-Botherers lined up and kissing Your Holy Asses, fly on down here.  Everyone’s asking about You.  Don’t bother to go to the RNC.  We could shit in their oatmeal every morning and they’d ask for more while pulling out their wallets.


Wish You Were Here,




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