Dear Sick People…

Everywhere I Look


Dear Sickies,


  I usually don’t have the opportunity to read anything other than Skymall and barf bag instructions, but last Father’s day My boys got Me one of those newfangled telephonic contraptions you can read the intertubes on.  So I was sitting in Marseille Provence Airport, trying to tell the phone to upgrade My upcoming flight to 1st Class, and suddenly I was staring at some story about how I am the most popular doctor in America.


  This was certainly news to Me.  Until relatively recently I thought you humans could survive inside a whale’s stomach for indefinite periods and new people could be made out of a hank of hair, a piece of bone and some mud.  So, considering that I don’t really know anything about physiology and I don’t have a medical degree, perhaps all of those people think I’m a chiropractor.


  Whatever the case, I think I should clear this up.  My brand loyalists are constantly sending Me postcards asking Me to heal someone.  Usually themselves or someone who owes them money.  However, I thought I had made it clear by never answering them, that healing isn’t really My thing.  To quote a bowling buddy of Mine, “I don’t roll on Shabbas”, where “roll” is “heal” and “on Shabbas” is “ever”.  I still kept getting tons of postcards, though.  When I decided I would just answer them all with “No”, the postcards just kept coming.  So, please, listen up America:  I am not saying “yes” and I am not saying “no”.  I am simply not answering your pleas.  First, because I’m on vacation.  Second, because I couldn’t afford the malpractice insurance even if I wanted to help.  Finally, (and I’m appalled this didn’t occur to you), you’re asking for socialized medicine!


  Why should you get medical care you didn’t pay for, hmm?  Every time you whine for something free like some sort of foreigner it not only makes My boys, the Jesii, cry – but it is an affront to everything that your country stands for.  Well, you can do what you want to My boys, but I’m not going to stand here and listen to you bad-mouth the United States of America!


Wish You Were Here,




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