Dear People of the Book…

Earth, Sol System, Milky Way

Dear Brand-Loyalists, Former Chosen People and Allah’s Misguided Hellbound Suckers,

  You may have recently heard a wild rumour that My immutable laws of physics vary from place to place in the universe.  This uncomfortable thought may leave you with niggling doubts that I created the entire thing solely for your pleasure and use.  In fact, some of you may have been wondering why I would create something for you which you can’t use the vast majority of, can’t physically reach or even see.  Let Me assure you that nothing could be farther from the truth… as far as you know.

  Further, let Me categorically state that you were not a mistake I made in a lab class in Deity School.  Any idea that the 14 billion year old universe I whipped up in six days 6,000 years ago was not entirely so that you would have a place to live while you sing songs about how great I am and give Me money on a weekly basis is pure poppycock.

  I assure you that all those wars you’ve fought in My name have not only been at My ultimate behest and for the best of all those other people you killed, but also an integral part of My over-all ineffable universal plan.  Which, by the way, is, as I say, ineffable.  So don’t try to understand it.  You are not equipped to eff it.

  Also, those of you who have been scratching your heads about My omnipotence might want to ponder this little thought.  Could it be that I have created different parts of the universe with different physics so that somewhere in the Gamma-Zed-& quadrant I can make a rock that’s too heavy for Me to lift?  I think you and I both know the answer to that question.

  Any of you who have inadvertently begun thinking and are wondering, “If Gawd created this universe, then who created Gawd,” can shut your mental pieholes.    There are some things you’re not allowed to think about.  Actually, there are a lot of things you’re not allowed to think about, but this is right up there in the top five.  Besides, that’s a personal question that only someone rude and ill-bred would ask.

  Some of you by now, (though I hope not), have let your imaginations get the better of you and are beginning to wonder why a loving and perfect deity, (Me, in this case), would allow so much, (or, indeed, any), suffering and evil to exist.  Well, since you seem to like exercising your brains, let’s play a game of word-jumble.  Make a coherent sentence of this:  cakehole whinging your shut so again plan fucking ineffable My to down it’s.

  These answers may have led a few of you to wonder why I, a perfect deity, would need humans to constantly sing My praises and give Me money.  First of all, what’s the use of being perfect if no one knows?  Second, there are only two other ways to get money.  I could magic it into existence, just like the entire universe, but that would cause rampant inflation and I’d have to magic more and more and more until the economy could no longer support five-star hotels, first class travel and filet mignon avec sauce bernaise.  I think you and I would both be very sad to see that happen.  Conversely, I could do like you and work for it, (this includes stealing), but I don’t think anyone would like to see the omnipotent creator of everything lower Himself to that level.

  A number of you may still be mulling over questions like, “If Gawd knows everything, then how can there be such a thing as free will,” or “Why would an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful Gawd design me with a bad back, bum knees, a dodgey ticker, weak bladder, acne, a susceptibility to syphilis and male-pattern baldness?”  The first answer is simple.  There just is.  Don’t think about it.  The second might be a little hard for you to follow, but try to keep up.

  The reason you, specifically and generally, are a fucking mess is as follows:  My original design was perfect, (and not, as I’ve pointed out, an unfortunate lab accident).  But then the first woman sinned… which I totally knew was going to happen.  It was not in any way a surprise, (and not just because this is a woman We’re talking about here), which I did not have to suss out by spotting the apple core at Eve’s feet.  Because, as I may have mentioned; omniscience.  Anyway, sin was not part of the original blueprints, though, as I say, I absolutely knew it was going to happen.  So I was so angry about this sin I unequivocally knew about beforehand and I, naturally, introduced a number of purposeful flaws in order to remind all humans past and present how much this particular part of My ineffable plan pissed Me off.  In fact, this thing I knew about beforehand, inserted into My Big Plan and completely expected pissed Me off so much that I put retroactive design flaws into every single living thing, whether they had anything to do with the fruit fiasco or not.

  There.  I’m glad you and I could have this frank and open discussion.  If any of you have any further doubts or questions, please feel free to reference this final comment.

  Don’t you worry your tithing little heads about it.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

11 responses to “Dear People of the Book…

  1. I don’t grok how to eff, anyway…

  2. A personal question if I may, Gawd…

    You are Male, if Your Scriptures are to be believed, and apparently, have all the Male Attributes.

    Who was around to use the Tonker on, since as Your ministers are fond of assuring us, nothing is without purpose?

  3. Daz: That’s an excellently named blog you’ve got there.

    Sarge: The Holy Meat & Veg, having always been, (even when there was no “always” to be), serve the same purpose yours and mine do. They serve as a secondary brain for those times when the primary can’t be bothered. Anything else you or anyone else may be doing with them is evil and wrong and will guarantee you a place in Hell.

  4. Thank you, although to be fair the credit should go to William Gibson.

    I can’t believe you just walked away from an ideal opportunity for a “phallusy” pun… *shakes head slowly in disbelief*

    • As I’m sure Sarge will back up, puns are not at all my forte. He and some of the folks on the Chosen People list to the right will bandy puns all day long and I just look on in groaning admiration.

  5. Dear Gawd,

    I’m sick and tired of women being blamed for bringing sin, evil, etc., into the world. Lucifer led a full-fledged revolt in Heaven long before Adam and Eve were even a twinkle in your eye, so to speak. Are you trying to tell me that tasting a bit of fruit was immeasurably more wicked than a full-blown revolution? Has anyone ever suggested to you that maybe, perhaps, your priorities a just a tad fucked up?

    • Oh, Chappy. You know that the whole “revolution” thing was just boyish hijinks. Wild oats and office pranks sort of thing. All part of the Ineffable Plan.
      Women not following the rules? That’s unthinkable and sickening and must be ruthlessly crushed. Then all women must be reminded of it on a weekly basis. It’s the only thing that keeps civilization from collapsing.

  6. Ah, a ready made universe whipped up in six days. I admire your planet cooking prowess in the cosmic kitchen. Could you whip up a batch of food for the millions of people going hungry tonight, if it’s not too much trouble?

    • Ooh, well… that goes right against Free Will, now dunnit? All of those hungry people have the option of getting a job or going hungry. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? Gawd has kindly given everyone the Free Will to be lazy if they want to be, so He’s not responsible if their stomachs bloat up and they keel over from laziness.

  7. ‘All religions are one’ has been worn out and blathered to death, ad infinitum. Thus, atheism has discarded all the B.S., yes? The symbols in religion are the same, because symbols originate in language, and language is a constant in context from one religion to the other and that includes folk tales (fairy tales). A good example is the Latin word for a thorn bush. The root word means ‘to think, to perceive, to understand’. In Hebrew, the root word for a thorn, means seeking and researching, attaining wisdom, and knowledge etc. Consequently, when Jesus is shown with a crown of thorns on his head, it is a symbol of the Hebrew Kether or crown, the highest attainment of knowledge and wisdom. It explains why Geoffrey of Bouillon and Mary Magdalene were also shown with crowns of thorns on their head. Across the spectrum of associated symbols, it is used symbolically in fairy tales with the same meaning; the ‘prince’ must hack his way through a wall of thorns surrounding a castle, to reach his love. That is why, in the esoteric, ‘beauty’ is constantly bandied about as some mysterious secret. Curiously, the greatest symbol related to the thorn is the rose. The rose is perfection and beauty, and desire to find out, but it’s thorns hurt, and are painful. You seek to learn beauty and find out the truth, and in attaining knowledge and understanding, you get ‘pricked’ by a horrifying realization when you find out.

    And so, in this small example, you have a Latin meaning, that ties into the Hebrew meaning of a thorn. Consequently, the thorn in Hebrew and the thorn in Roman mythology and world fairy tales, are ‘one’ and the same in meaning. But Christianity is different than other religions; throughout the New Testament there are constant references that Christianity has a different road to walk, that it is the ‘fulfillment’ of a preordained fate and destiny (that is the meaning of the ‘Holy Grail’). Continually, Jesus and the apostles made comments about a secret that was to be revealed, and known only to a few, and even more interesting, that Christianity was not to hide these esoteric secrets, but to proclaim them for all people to know. The best example of that is St. Paul’s quote about ‘now we see through a glass darkly…but that eventually we would understand’. Like looking through the ‘glass darkly’, the same symbolism is used at the end of the books of Daniel, and Revelations, i.e., the curious references to ‘books being sealed up’ until the appointed times. That is what they are referring to – that when the time is fulfilled, knowledge will be made known to all of humanity, not just to a powerful few. ‘Knowledge is power.’

    By the way, the constant snide remarks about the nursing Virgin Mary and Jesus pictures as being a plagiarism of Isis and Horus, mother and child is baloney. In the ancient Egyptian language, a mother nursing a baby meant ‘the Holy of Holies’, the inner-most sanctum in the temple. Many of the earliest church fathers came from Egypt. It would have been unnatural for them not to use their language in the symbolism of early Christianity. And so, even in the church today, adored pictures of the loving Virgin nursing her child, creates a deep unconscious empathy in humans, even though we do not always know what is behind them. Is Christianity a plagiarism of Isis worship? No, the meaning behind both pictorials transcends any religion, as it is embedded in language. So, if another religion were to arise, and it showed a mother nursing her child, it would still have the same meaning in language.

    So yes, ‘all religions are one’, in the symbols used obtaining from language, but not the way the current anti-Christian sentiments are promoting it. If that were true, then it wouldn’t matter what you believed, including Christianity? If ‘all religions are one’, then even from its beginnings, why has the world been so intent on the persecution and eradication of Christianity? What is in Christianity, that the world has feared it?

    Like ole’ Sambatha would have observed with a wink, if she were here today; we are only ‘one out of many’, (Obama’s Seal of the U.S.A. falling off, seems to be trying to say something.)

    (….President Obama was giving a speech, in about the middle of the speech, the Presidental Seal fell off the podium. (see Glen Beck))

    By the way, dear ‘thinkers’. You will destroy Christianity, but you are only fulfilling what was prophecied, that Christianity would eventually disappear, and apostasy would become the norm (at the proverbial end of time). But who would have thought apostasy would be promoted by governments and institutions. What is the big rush? Communism also, is part of Christian prophecy as to the last government of the world. The early Christians, thinking it was the ‘end of time’, shared all things in common, a.k.a, a communist ‘end of the world.’

    Greek: Theo mean ‘to run’, Theos, means God. Keep putting feet on your mockery of the fish, it prosaically shows your sad efforts to run from God.

  8. P.S.
    The ‘Masonic’ pyramid on the U.S. dollar bill is a calendar, a calendar with a very specific date in time. There is an old Arabic saying, “Man fears time, and time fears the pyramids.”
    But, of course, I humbly bow to your greater knowledge than mine, ‘in these fairy tale’ matters that mean nothing; so I won’t bother you with the details.
    Marieann

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