Dear Physicists…

In Some Secret Laboratory Somewhere

Dear Weekend Supervillians,

  I heard, recently, about how you’re trying to play down the incontrovertible proof that I made the universe from scratch 6,000 years ago.  You’ve been trying to hide the fact that atomic decay rates are seasonal by stashing the story with that crazy, left-wing “news” agency, NBC.  Well, it’s not going to work.

  I admit, I almost didn’t notice until I went bowling with My old school chums, Geb & Nut.  We played ten frames and They both beat Me, but I noticed that some of Their pins were falling when they shouldn’t.  Now, it’s an unspoken rule that We never use Our omnipotence when We bowl, so I was ready to call shenanigans when I noticed that the pins all had strings attached to them.  On further investigation, I realized that it must be you, physicists, who were messing with My game.  You’ve been fucking with Me ever since that whole “the Earth is round” bullshit you started spreading about 20 years before I created the universe.

  This time, I’m going to nip it in the bud.  I’m telling you right now that the .001% yearly difference, or whatever this seasonal decay rate thing shows, proves once and for all that I am the one and only Gawd*, who created everything** and science, reason and all their pals can suck My big, fat nob.  So quit messing with My game and I won’t be forced to turn you into pillars of salt.

Wish You Were Here,


*  All other deities excluded.

** Give or take.


5 responses to “Dear Physicists…

  1. I’m glad you got ahead of the brand loyalists on this one. Still, I bet they’ll try to prove that .001% changes the math substantially and the corrected sum reveals that the universe is a mere 6,000 years old, still a toddler, rather than the middle-aged 4.5 billion years that scientists have been peddling to us.

    • It just goes to show how poor the entire realm of science is, eh? They keep changing their answers to fit the facts. Good old religion, on the other hand, is timeless and unchanging… no matter what reality has to say about it.

  2. I wouldn’t be surprised if after readjusting all the formulas and re-formulating some theories, scientists would come to the conclusion that the god-made-the-universe tale is even less trustworthy than before.

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