Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
Dear Brand-Loyalists, Former Chosen People and Allah’s Misguided Hellbound Suckers,
You may have recently heard a wild rumour that My immutable laws of physics vary from place to place in the universe. This uncomfortable thought may leave you with niggling doubts that I created the entire thing solely for your pleasure and use. In fact, some of you may have been wondering why I would create something for you which you can’t use the vast majority of, can’t physically reach or even see. Let Me assure you that nothing could be farther from the truth… as far as you know.
Further, let Me categorically state that you were not a mistake I made in a lab class in Deity School. Any idea that the 14 billion year old universe I whipped up in six days 6,000 years ago was not entirely so that you would have a place to live while you sing songs about how great I am and give Me money on a weekly basis is pure poppycock.
I assure you that all those wars you’ve fought in My name have not only been at My ultimate behest and for the best of all those other people you killed, but also an integral part of My over-all ineffable universal plan. Which, by the way, is, as I say, ineffable. So don’t try to understand it. You are not equipped to eff it.
Also, those of you who have been scratching your heads about My omnipotence might want to ponder this little thought. Could it be that I have created different parts of the universe with different physics so that somewhere in the Gamma-Zed-& quadrant I can make a rock that’s too heavy for Me to lift? I think you and I both know the answer to that question.
Any of you who have inadvertently begun thinking and are wondering, “If Gawd created this universe, then who created Gawd,” can shut your mental pieholes. There are some things you’re not allowed to think about. Actually, there are a lot of things you’re not allowed to think about, but this is right up there in the top five. Besides, that’s a personal question that only someone rude and ill-bred would ask.
Some of you by now, (though I hope not), have let your imaginations get the better of you and are beginning to wonder why a loving and perfect deity, (Me, in this case), would allow so much, (or, indeed, any), suffering and evil to exist. Well, since you seem to like exercising your brains, let’s play a game of word-jumble. Make a coherent sentence of this: cakehole whinging your shut so again plan fucking ineffable My to down it’s.
These answers may have led a few of you to wonder why I, a perfect deity, would need humans to constantly sing My praises and give Me money. First of all, what’s the use of being perfect if no one knows? Second, there are only two other ways to get money. I could magic it into existence, just like the entire universe, but that would cause rampant inflation and I’d have to magic more and more and more until the economy could no longer support five-star hotels, first class travel and filet mignon avec sauce bernaise. I think you and I would both be very sad to see that happen. Conversely, I could do like you and work for it, (this includes stealing), but I don’t think anyone would like to see the omnipotent creator of everything lower Himself to that level.
A number of you may still be mulling over questions like, “If Gawd knows everything, then how can there be such a thing as free will,” or “Why would an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful Gawd design me with a bad back, bum knees, a dodgey ticker, weak bladder, acne, a susceptibility to syphilis and male-pattern baldness?” The first answer is simple. There just is. Don’t think about it. The second might be a little hard for you to follow, but try to keep up.
The reason you, specifically and generally, are a fucking mess is as follows: My original design was perfect, (and not, as I’ve pointed out, an unfortunate lab accident). But then the first woman sinned… which I totally knew was going to happen. It was not in any way a surprise, (and not just because this is a woman We’re talking about here), which I did not have to suss out by spotting the apple core at Eve’s feet. Because, as I may have mentioned; omniscience. Anyway, sin was not part of the original blueprints, though, as I say, I absolutely knew it was going to happen. So I was so angry about this sin I unequivocally knew about beforehand and I, naturally, introduced a number of purposeful flaws in order to remind all humans past and present how much this particular part of My ineffable plan pissed Me off. In fact, this thing I knew about beforehand, inserted into My Big Plan and completely expected pissed Me off so much that I put retroactive design flaws into every single living thing, whether they had anything to do with the fruit fiasco or not.
There. I’m glad you and I could have this frank and open discussion. If any of you have any further doubts or questions, please feel free to reference this final comment.
Don’t you worry your tithing little heads about it.
Wish You Were Here,