124 West Ashley St., Jacksonville, FL 32202
You know I’ve always liked you… in a manner of speaking. Well, if I paid any attention to you at all, I would have considered you the kind of take-charge brand-loyalist who leads the cash-cow around by the nose for the glory of Me and My vacation fund. If I engraved brand-loyalist names on an “Earner of the Month” plaque, (and, once again, presuming I’d ever noticed you), you’d be up there multiple times.
But – and this is why I’m writing – I’d have to think seriously about taking your name off now that I know just how much money you skim off the top before you tithe into My vacation fund. Actually, it can’t really be called a tithe if you’re not giving Me at least 10% of your $300,000 salary, plus book royalties, etc.
All that stuff about crushing all criticism doesn’t bother Me, of course. I’m all for that. In this case, if you hadn’t had Thomas A. Rich investigated by the local Sheriff, outed and expelled from My Jacksonville, FL cash machine, I wouldn’t know that you’ve been holding back. So, sort of hoist by your own petard, there. Yep, it’s a fine line you walk, isn’t it? Destroy all opposition, obviously. Obviously do that. But not so publicly that other people talk about it enough to clue Me in on your actual net worth.
So, I said all that to say this: Pay up, boyo. You will find, attached, an itemized bill drawn up by My accountant in conjunction with My lawyers, Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC. It goes without saying that I expect all of the back-tithes paid, pronto. Also, in order to avert My wrath in the form of a substantial legal and medical smiting, I have inserted additional charges for incidentals such as, (but not limited to), creating the world, ($27,854.98 is your share), guiding personalized spermatozoa through… wherever it was that it went through, ($13,963.39), causing 1984 Firebird to crash into family in station wagon instead of you , 14 Nov., 1998, ($111,419.98), and, of course, causing Google to give up name of offending blogger, (Priceless… but I’ll settle for $641,968.27).
Wish You Were Here,