Tag Archives: Religious Archaeology

Dear Archaeologists…

Somewhere In Turkey

Dear Nosy Parkers,

  My lawyers, Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC, recently alerted Me to the fact that you’ve been digging through My business records.  Consider this a friendly, (and by “friendly” I mean “threatening”), warning to cease and desist.  Where and how I came up with the idea and wording for My covenant with the Israelites is none of your damned business.

  And anyway, it’s perfectly normal to steal copy borrow from other companies when writing up contracts.  Just because I used an Assyrian template when Abraham and I hammered out the contract between Gawd & Sons, Inc. and Chosen People Corp. doesn’t make it any less binding on the party of the second part.  Whether or not the Assyrians thought of it first is immaterial to the main contract points of eternal worship of Me and complete subjugation of Chosen People Corp. to My every whim.  Furthermore, simply pointing out that some Assyrian wonk got there ahead of Me re: covenant negotiation does not release My former Chosen People, (and all subsequent genetic copies, friends, acquaintances, enemies and fellow humans of same in perpetuity), from recognizing the authority of My successors, Republican and Hippy Jesus.

  You know, it’s always chapped My Holy Ass that you guys are snooping in My Divine Business.  I thought when I planted Piltdown Man I’d be able to “Gotcha!” you for once.  But you had to get all sciencey and figure it out.  If I’d wanted you to know every little thing that went on in the rough and tumble early days I’d have dropped you a postcard.  So lay off, already, okay?

  In the interest of appearing to be a kind and loving Gawd, (which I am and anyone who says I’m not can expect a nasty plague of boils followed by terminal hemorrhoids), I’ll give you a freebie.  Whenever you find evidence of a massacre in antiquity or baby sacrifice or widespread child-buggery… the Jews did it.

Wish You Were Here,