Somewhere Near the Irish Sea, Presumably
Dear Drinky McPunchfaces,
First of all, I hope that you appreciate the use of your Gaelic name. It’s just one of the many ways in which I strive not only to not be insulting and abusive, but to conform to local customs. But I’m not dropping you this postcard just to show off My command of the language. I’m writing to give My official backing to your proposed blasphemy law.
It’s about time someone stood up for Me in Ireland. I mean, Jessi-feckin’-Christs on a Gawd-damned pogo stick, the things people say about Me and My brand-loyalists on your shores just freezes My Holy Piss sometimes. Why, did you know that there are Allah, (the Supreme hack of all hacks), brand-loyalists there who actually say that My boy, Hippy Jesus, wasn’t actually tortured and killed? And that He was one of Allah’s, (hack, hack!), brand-loyalists?! They even say that He was adopted! If that’s not blasphemy, I don’t know what is.
Don’t even get Me started about the Pagans, Scientologists and Anglicans. Well, the Anglicans aren’t so bad, really. They got off to a good start with all that choppy-choppy-off-with-their-heads stuff, but they don’t have the staying power I expect in good brand-loyalists.
For those who cry “Isn’t Gawd made of sterner stuff,” or “Wouldn’t it be the Hippy Jesus-like thing to turn the other cheek,” I say, piss off, you pansy communists. I hope you’re the first ones against the wall when this law is enacted. While we’re at it, is €100,000 a stiff enough penalty for offending Me? I should think not! Bring back the Auto de Fe! Whence the thumbscrews of yesteryear? A red-hot poker up the pooper often makes people think twice before they say something annoying, I’ve always found.
And those Nervous Nellies who say this admirable bit of legislation could be used to stifle My own brand-loyalists, I reiterate My earlier, well-reasoned argument; piss off you pansy commies! My poor, downtrodden brand-loyalists make up over 99% of the population. I’d like to see the blasphemous SOB with the stones to try it! In fact, you should write that into the law. Anyone trying to use the blasphemy law against My brand-loyalists shall be persecuted prosecuted to the full extent of your imagination. Take the Heretic’s Fork out of the attic! De-mothball the Tongue Tearer! By all means, un-retire the Breast Ripper!
Of course, tourism may suffer, but that is the tiniest of prices to pay for having the most unoffensive and unoffended nation in the world.
Wish You Were Here,