Dear Jesus & Jesus…

For Hand Delivery – Signature Required


  From time to time, the waitress at the hotel pool takes a little longer than I’d like to refill My drink.  It’s during these long, dark teatimes of the soul, (to coin a phrase), that My mind sometimes wanders to the family business.  Now, before You start rolling Your eyes and muttering, “Oh, Mithras”, You just remember that I’m still, technically, the CEO.  Before You two start getting too big for Your loincloths, let Me remind You that I’m still Your father and You’re not too old for an old-fashioned smiting.

  Right.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  It was during one of these interminable waits for a refill that I came up with some pretty good ideas for Our brand.  So listen up.

  It seems to Me that there are far too many, (>0), people not wearing Our brand logos.  As long as there are other brands with snappy logos out there, like Hindus with the elephants and arms, or Thorians with the hammer, or Macsters with their apples, then a certain percentage of the market is loyal to a brand that We don’t own a stake in.  To My mind, that’s just the same as stealing money out of My pocket.  And that… is the unforgivable sin.

  So, first of all, I want You two to come up with some new logos.  That cross and fish thing is beginning to make Me tired.  They were fine for a bunch of ignorant savages, 2,000 years ago, but this is the Me-damned 21st century!  Sure, when you couldn’t turn around without bumping into some poor slob being crucified, the cross was a great image to hitch Our wagon to.  Same thing with the fish.  When everyone who mattered lived around the Mediterranean rim, You could bet Your ass fish was on everyone’s minds.  But times have changed and, frankly, We’ve worn those images out.  We need something ubiquitous to the modern world, (by the way, thanks for that “word a day” calendar You got Me for Rosh Hashana).  I toyed with the idea of getting input from Pope Ratzi’s people, but I’m not sure that a tiny naked child would be universal enough.  Look around You.  What do You see?  Personally, I see minimum wage hotel employees ready to cater to My every whim.  Imagine You’re some unimportant nobody, though.  Some schmuck who has to catch the bus or carpool to work in the morning.  What’s this pathetic waste of skin going to see all day long at the office?  No, not internet porn… but close.  Computers!  Think about it.  We change our logo to a spiffy silhouette of the common computer, and before long We’re what people think of every time they sit down to generate the daily weenus report, every time they have a sneaky, shameful wank when the wife’s out shopping, every time they pay the heating bill.  I see no way this could go wrong for us.

  So, once You’ve rebranded, I want You to start with booze.  In My experience, a drink or three is something everyone has every day.  Slap the new logo on that before anything else.

  Second, and just as importantly, We’ve got to make sure that the current brand-loyalists push the new logo.  It’s no good switching if We don’t bring in new consumers.  Part and parcel of that is respect for the brand.  Brand-loyalists must, must, must insist on universal respect.  That’s why I’ve attached the hamster comic.  On the one hand, everyone likes cute animals, and on the other, it’s an excellent instruction manual for them.  I understand the competition, (Allah, LLC), has had excellent results with this same policy.  So make sure You disseminate this video instruction to all branches.

  Okay, they’re boarding first class now, so I’ve got to go.  Keep up the good work, or whatever, and I’ll see You at the centennial board meeting.

Wish You Were Here,



6 responses to “Dear Jesus & Jesus…

  1. Does this mean that Gawd’s new mascot will be a booze-guzzling hamster with a big stick? I’m not sure it will be easy to distinguish between them and the booze-guzzling priest with the big crosses, but, hey, it’s not my brand so I’ll leave the details up to Gawd and Sons.

    • Actually, I guess He could integrate your suggestion with Pope Ratzi’s and His own idea – a naked child guzzling booze at a computer console. it would certainly catch attention.

  2. I’m not very business-minded, myself, but I’m sure Pat Robertson or Rick Warren could offer you some good advice. They’ve been marketing religion as a brand for years! 🙂

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