Dear Science Thumpers…

Where You’re Not Wanted

Dear Annoying Atheist Proselytizers,

  I was visiting one of My top-tier tithers this weekend at his little 40-room bungalow and as we sat on the front porch Saturday morning, smoking a couple of nice Cohibas, what I can only assume were a couple of science nuts tried to get in the front gate to tell us “the good news”.  They were at the end of a 1/4 mile driveway, so I didn’t see them too well, but they were holding a book and shouting about this “good news” of theirs.  Presumably, it was that Darwin book and the good news was some drivel about genetics or some such.  It nearly ruined My morning; until the butler released the dogs.

  When will you atheists stop annoying people with information that they don’t want?  Look, I know you’re My New Chosen People and all, but that doesn’t give you any special prerogatives.  Just ask My old Chosen People, the Jews.  Sometimes I can’t wait for the atheist ghettos to open up.  Why can’t you be more like My brand loyalists?  You never see them out ruining My saturday morning.  I’ll bet they were all at home doing… well, whatever it is they do.  Preparing the Sunday morning tithe or boning up on My rules.  I can tell you where they weren’t.  They weren’t at the end of a certain driveway, embarrassing Me in front of one of My biggest donaters.

  You know, I’m as big a fan of science as the next deity.  Science is directly or indirectly responsible for some of My favorite things.  First class cabins in airplanes.  Solid gold toilets.  Electronic funds transfers.  Hell, I’m even pretty sure that science had something to do with limousines.  Just, why do you have to shove it in everyone’s faces?  I mean, really, you’re just making yourselves look ridiculous and you’re not making any friends.

  So here’s a little advice from your favorite deity.  If you really want to get your message across, just shut up and do whatever you can to make Me and My brand loyalists comfortable.  There.  Now I guess you can see where Solomon got his wisdom, eh?

Wish You Were Here,



5 responses to “Dear Science Thumpers…

  1. So I’m not supposed to explain parsimonious taxonomy? Where (and when) else will I ever be able to use those words in that order again?

    Spoil sport!

    • Speaking of parsimony, I was interested in your last post. And, coincidentally, I spent last Tuesday at the AMNH wandering amongst the dinosaurs and wondering how widespread a taxonomic theory must become in order to change the plaques.

  2. (((Billy)))):

    If things get really bad, you can join Parsimonious Taxonomers Anonymous.

  3. Gawd must be kidding. The day an atheist gives up sleeping in on the weekend in the name of preaching Dawkings, the cows will actually come home.

    I thinking he’s just whining out of frustration because his vacation fund is kind of low right now.

    • Well, I didn’t have the heart to tell Him, but I think He sic’d the dogs on them before He could find out they were brand loyalists.
      And, yeah, I suspect the vacation fund is low because someone might be skimming off the top.

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