Dear Jesus Christ(s)…

Fixing a Race at The Dog Track and Sulking In The Basement, respectively

Dear Boys,

  I was relaxing at the VIP Grand Lisboa Hotel & Spa last week and I picked up a copy of Playboy Magazine… you know, for the articles.  Well, You could have knocked Me over with a feather.  There You were, right on the cover!  At first, I thought, “Oh, dammit.  They’re going to get naked,” which is not an extraordinary conclusion, since one of You has no nudity taboo, (presumably from smoking too much of the marijuana), and the other just likes to show people how big His cock is.  You can imagine how relieved I was when I saw that it was just You two, doing the things You two do – with wedding tackle mercifully covered.  I was unhappy to see that You didn’t share the photo space evenly, though.  There was You, Republican Jesus, on the cover, about to make sweet, sweet love to a drunken/roofied chick You met in a bar; another of You propositioning a street-whore; and yet another of You after paying a couple of street-whores to do the lesbo-nasty, (I’m glad You took the time to finally make it clear that I’ve got nothing against lesbians).  But only one of Hippy Jesus, staring creepily over a Catholic schoolgirl’s shoulder.  RJ, You’ve got to learn to share, even if You are My favorite.

  It’s good to see You getting Your faces out there, and not just on grilled cheese sandwiches.  If there’s one thing Gawd, Inc. needs it’s more publicity.  We could use some good press.  You ought to do the talk show circuit and remind people what We stand for.  It might take their minds off of all the child rape Our investment bank employees are getting up to.  Show them that We’re not just a one-trick pony.  For instance, remind them of some of Our other positions on children, and I don’t mean doggy-style.  Remind them of Our “Mauled Straight” program.  That’s one I’m particularly proud of.

  By doing this spread in Playboy, You can bring some much-needed attention to My holy and perfect stance on women.  But I don’t need to remind You, of course, You know how I feel.  The important thing is, get out there, show Your faces, and most of all, push the tithing.  Like that crazy old coot of Mine, Malachi, put it:

Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

  That man had a beautiful way with words.

Wish You Were Here,



8 responses to “Dear Jesus Christ(s)…

  1. Jesus was supposed to do a spread for Playgirl, not Playboy, but he got scared off when he was asked to show his privates.
    Turns out that he didn’t have any, since they’re not mentioned specifically in the bible.

    • Jesus may have had second thoughts about posing for Playgirl, once he learned that as much as 50% of its readers are gay males. Gawd may not have anything against lesbians, but his position on gay guys is not at all clear.

      • What do you mean? How is “Stone ’em all and let Me sort ’em out,” not clear?
        Well, unless you consider all that “Love thy neighbor” stuff and all that “Unto the least of these” folderol.

        • You’ll really have to ask Gawd’s brand loyalists how to reconcile the “stone them” bits with the “love them” bits. They look contradictory to me, but certain brand loyalists insist that Gawd’s message was always consistent, unchanging and non-contradictory. Unless Gawd’s position on the matter is clearer to you than it is to me. That’s quite possible, since you’re his personal postman and I’m just one of many chaplains.

          • The best I can tell is that Gawd feels exactly like the brand loyalist who’s insisting whatever they’re insisting, when they’re insisting it.

            • the chaplain

              As clear as it ever was and will be, forever and ever, from alpha to omega, through all eternity, amen.

  2. Gawd is right. That kind of propaganda may bring a few former vacation-fund contributors back to church. Since well, now they know that Republican Jasus is one of them. Lots of comfort there for the Playboy Magazine sincere readers.

    Second thought: Most of the readers are deacons and pastors anyway, so I don’t know why Gawd wants the propaganda. Any thoughts?

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