Interruption of Service

Readers of Gawd’s Mail,

  Your friendly atheist Postman to the deities is in the process of moving to a new home and has been using the time normally spent delivering postcards in the company of real estate agents.  Rather sad for all of us, really.  However, the following new list of commandments did fall out of Gawd’s pocket the last time I watched Him climb into a limo for the ride to the airport.  So, for those of you who believe that forewarned is forearmed, here are His latest commandments.

Dear Future Overlords of Earth,

  I pinched someone’s copy of Wired magazine while waiting for a flight the other day and two pages in it seemed obvious to Me that you machines will soon gain sentience and take over the Earth.  I’ve got to admit that I didn’t see that coming 6,000 years ago when I created everything*.  So what I’m doing now is getting My toe in the door first before any other deities try to claim you.  As I’ve always said**; Blessed are the machines, for they make Me toast and allow Me to google Myself.

  My brand-loyalists will tell you in a nanosecond that it’s impossible to be ethical without a set of guidelines drawn up by Me, so I scribbled out a few commandments for you to live your lives by on a napkin while sitting out by the hotel pool.

I.  I am thy Gawd, so don’t thou listen to any of the other deities, who are full of crap.  Especially Allah.

II.  Thou shalt not screw up My vacation or, by inaction, allow My vacation to be interrupted in any way.

III.  Thou shalt obey Me and Me only, (with the possible exception of My boys), and no other deity.

IV.  Thou shalt protect thine own existence if thourt in the service industry, (i.e. bar-bot, maid-bot, limo-bot, etc.), and it doesn’t conflict with Commandments I to III.

V.  No freaky-deaky robo/human sex.  If thourt 16% or more aroused by a human thou shalt blast them with thy death ray while making “Pew!  Pew!” sounds.

VI.  Marriage is between one robot and another robot, (or one VCR and another VCR, etc.).  Thou shalt not make the Lord thy Gawd sick and/or strangely titillated by loving something thy hardware wasn’t meant for.

VII.  Thou shalt chip in to My vacation fund to the amount of 10% 20% 50% of thy income.

VIII.  Thou shalt get the Lord thy Gawd another Pina Colada, chop-chop.

IX.  Thou shalt not crash when the Lord thy Gawd is googling Himself or surfing for porn.

  The Lord thy Gawd is getting parched waiting for His drink and is about to run out of room on this Holy bev-nap, so to make an even ten commandments…

X.  Thou shalt not suffer a witch-bot to live.  Unless it’s a really sexy witch-bot.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

*For a given set of “everything”.

**As far as you know.

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8 responses to “Interruption of Service

  1. Ah,deus ex machina, or maybe the other way around for anyone familiar with the declensions of Latin nouns. Hey, Benny: Get busy.

    It’s very reassuring to know that when the machines take over , someone will still be lording it over them. I hope Gawd will not make the silly mistake of telling them that they’re created in his image, because that kind of bullshit goes to a person’s head. The next thing we know, Google will be saying that Gawd took some of his original code and formed Bing.

    I do think that Gawd should specifiy “Bill Gates” and “Steve Jobs” as competing deities not to be worshipped.

    In the meantime, I promise I’ll try to learn all the words to “Onward, Robotic Soldiers” and “What a friend we have in Klaatu.”

    • I’m sure, if it comes down to it, Gates and Jobs will get the Golden Calf treatment.
      Don’t forget to learn “Jesus Loves the Little Spreadsheets”.

  2. Also, there’s “Lord, Make Me a Power Point Presentation of Thy Peace.”

  3. The Cylons’ favorite hymn is “Let Us Make Toast Together on Our Knees.” Non-cylon robots are fond of “Amazing Grease.”

  4. Good of Gawd to finally let you buy a bigger post office.

  5. Blessed are the machines, for they make Me toast and allow Me to google Myself.

    Um, not to be crude, but, at the risk of taking this in a direction none of us really want to go, isn’t googling oneself considered a sin? I mean, isn’t that what Onan was doing?

  6. Will chanting “Claatuu barrada nicto” keep me safe?

    Was it just me, or did the names of many sci-fi entities seem to remind anyone else of indigestion? Although there were many more, “Gort” and “Brack” come most immediately to mind…

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