Dear Americans…

USA, North America, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way

Dear Nation of Brand Loyalists,

  I am verklempt.  Really, this was too kind.  To set aside a national holiday for sending Me postcards was just very, very thoughtful.  Not “thoughtful” in the sense of actually thinking, but “thoughtful” in a warm, fuzzy kind of way.  That’s My kind of thoughtful.

  Of course, I’m not going to read them.  I mean, I’m on vacation, after all.  But just knowing that you are officially a nation of My brand loyalists is a real shot in the arm.  Now, when I’ve finished off the Filet Mignon avec Sauce Bernaise and I’m wondering, “Why should I bother to order the Creme Brulee and a cup of Kopi Luwak?  What’s the point,” I’ll think, “I’ve got to do it for the brand loyalists.  It’s what they would want.”

  You have no idea how gratifying it is to Me to see you finally throwing off the chains of pinko socialistic oppression imposed on you by radical leftists like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson.

  I am truly gladdened to see you back on the proverbial straight & narrow.  Gladdened that you can put all this divisive “separation of church and state” nonsense behind you and devote your time to the important issues like tithing, free parking and ministering to sinners.

  Not gladdened enough to write back to each of you individually, you understand; not gladdened enough to answer any of your postcards, but gladdened nonetheless.

  As a sort of “thank you”, I’m enclosing a photo of Me and some little shit I was at Deity School with, suitable for framing.

Wish You Were Here,



13 responses to “Dear Americans…

  1. Gawd:
    Not “thoughtful” in the sense of actually thinking, but “thoughtful” in a warm, fuzzy kind of way. That’s My kind of thoughtful.

    Hilariously put. That’s one of the best things you’ve ever written. Much better than the bible.

  2. the chaplain

    I suspect that the real reason Gawd cant’ be bothered reading all those postcards is because many of his brand-loyalists can’t spell.

  3. the chaplain

    😳 Gawd can’t be bothered….

    Ah, well – when one points a finger at someone else, three fingers are pointing back at the finger-pointer.

  4. Gee, Gawd, when did they put that thing on top of the capitol? When I was up there in 1964, replacing lightning rods (a lot of people figured that we shouldn’t, what with LBJ doing those civil rights things, let your lightning take ‘er down as deserved, they opined) there was a sort of native american girl in Pride of Place.

    By the way, what kind of courses do they teach you before they actually let you do any gawding? Is there an internship program? Just askin’…

    • Oh, you know… Miracles 101; Cosmological Monadology 212; Irreducible Complexity 210 and Bowling. The usual.
      No internships, though. They just throw you right into the deep end.

  5. Oh yeah! Almost forgot!

    How good did it make you feel when they did that thing in Europe a couple centuries ago?

    You know, when they went arounf uprooting trees of liberty and putting crosses where they’d been?
    Gratifying, huh?

    • I know nothing of this. Enlighten me, please. Probably Gawd does, but He’s in the hotel bar right now.

      • When Napoleon’s troops went into Italy (to bring “freedom”… sort of familiar, like, gee: Afghanistan and Iraq kind of come to mind…) his representatives planted Trees of Liberty. One has read that these were occasions of great ceremony and gravity, speeches were made, tears of joy were wept.

        When the Napoleonic tide receded, the populace (usually led by a priest) went to these trees, uprooted them, and planted crosses where they had been. Kind of like what’s going to happen in southwest Asia to things like American flags, christian symbols, eagles, when the US and NATO hear from the money boys that the well is dry, and the bones have been picked, so ‘up-ship and out’, as they used to say on TV.

        Now, I can see desecrating the symbols of your oppressor, but would it not be better to co-opt it for your own? Make it work for you? Decorate the Tree of Liberty with your own light?

        But, I guess people are as their gawd made them, so they just changed symbols of bondage to the more familiar…

  6. Not gladdened enough to write back to each of you individually, you understand; not gladdened enough to answer any of your postcards, but gladdened nonetheless.

    I must say that I’m impressed at the operation Gawd has going on here on earth. The bastard has VOLUNTEERS who go around convincing devotees that His silence IS actually a postcard from Him.

    “Silence means no or not-yet,” they tell the hopeful.


    • What if it’s not a yes/no question? Their explanation kind of breaks down there.

      “Why, Gawd?” -“NOT YET.”
      “Quick, Gawd, red wire or blue wire?!” -“NO.”

      • LOL!

        Why Gawd?
        I don’t fucking wanna tell you yet.

        Red wire or blue wire?
        Listen to the still small voice inside and pull the wire you fell you should pull. If you blow yourself up in the process, be sure that it was my will. I have my reasons. My ways are higher than your ways.

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