Sasquatch here. You might know me as Bigfoot. I just dropped by Gawd’s hotel to say hello and see if He wanted to have dinner with me and the Mrs. The thing is, I forgot today was “The Jews Killed Our Lord & Saviour Day”, so Gawd has had to take a day off of His vacation to talk Hippy Jesus down.
Well, I saw this stack of postcards and I couldn’t resist. Atheists, as Gawd’s new Chosen People, this probably seems like kind of a crappy day for you. Many of your co-workers are taking the day off to “go to church” while you’re stuck playing minesweeper in your cubicle or having to take up the slack at the baby rendering plant or simply finding that your Protocol for World Domination is having a slow day because the good guys are at a backyard barbecue church.
Never fear. Your old pal Sasquatch is looking out for you. Well, to be honest, me and Nessie and Chupacabra were playing putt-putt golf a few weeks ago and started talking about how shafted you guys are when it comes to holidays. Gawd’s former Chosen People, the Jews, came away with hundreds of holidays and they’re commanded to fuck off work every single Sabbath. Today, the brand loyalists can take the day off with no worries just because Hippy Jesus couldn’t outrun the Jerusalem PD. Then, just two days later, they get another holiday just because the easter Bunny dyed for their sins. Where’s your day?
That’s when Chupacabra said, “Why don’t they just make the next Friday, ‘God Still Not Real Friday’?” Except, he didn’t say it that clearly or quickly, because he has the most appalling dental issues you can imagine. Every time he says something it looks and sounds like he’s trying to chew his own face off. Believe me, it’ll put you right off your beef jerky lunch.
Anyway, I thought it would be funny to mess with Gawd by starting a holiday about Him not existing and doing it using His own stationery. My wife says I’ve got kind of a dick sense of humor; but who you gonna believe, lovable furry old me, or a fucking sea monster who never fixes anything but fish for dinner?
Be Seeing You,