Dear Consumers…

Dear Brand-Loyalists Not Currently in Bankruptcy or Foreclosure,

  Passing through Athens International Airport recently, I was waiting in the Swissport Executive Lounge and came across a book some other, (but obviously lesser), VIP had left behind.  The title didn’t seem to make much sense, but I had an hour to kill, so I thumbed through it.

  People, it changed My life.  Not by what the book had to say, so much.  For one thing, it was sadly lacking in smiting, freaky sex and, above all, Me.  On the other hand, the entire idea of the book was like a lightbulb switching on in My Holy Brain.  It was almost enough to convince Me to leave the omniscience on all the time, just so I could constantly have these kinds of amazing ideas.

  So, here’s My genius idea.  I’m going to write a book and call it Gawd Is Your Thing You Really Want at the Moment You Read This Book Title.  The book I pinched found was titled [somebody or other] Is Your New Bicycle, which is pretty good, but I think Mine covers a lot more ground, thus tempting more of you to buy it.  Of course, when I say “write” I mean “inspire someone else to write”.  And when I say “inspire”, I mean “promise to pay”.

  Each page will point out something I’ve done for you which will make you feel as if you owe Me even more than the obligatory tithe.  For instance, page one might say:

Gawd made His son, who is also Him, sacrifice Himself in a really painful way to appease Himself for your sins.

  Possibly, that can be trimmed a little, but you get the idea.  The genius of it is that the truth or untruth of the statement is immaterial.  It’s all about how guilty or grateful or warm & fuzzy it makes you feel.

Gawd helped you move a sofa.

  Or maybe,

Gawd created the US of A to be a Christian nation.

  How about,

Gawd helped your Gramma across a busy street.


Gawd flooded a major city to save it from The Gay.

Gawd gave you a lift from the airport in His limousine.

Gawd found your lost car keys.

Gawd wiped out the [fill in the blank]ites so you could have a little lebensraum.

Gawd rinsed out your breakfast bowl.

  Sounds like just the sort of thing you’d be happy to pay $19.95 for, doesn’t it?  Just think of it.  Any time you’re faced with something uncomfortable, like reality, for instance, you could just flip your copy open to a random page and get a little psychological comfort.  The beauty is that it simply doesn’t matter if what you read in My book is “true” or “real” or “helpful in any concrete way” or “nothing but word salad”.  As long s you believe it, (And why wouldn’t you?  It says so right there in the book.), as long as you punch anyone who denies it in the eye and scream, “Help!  I’m being persecuted,” it might as well be true, right?

  So keep an eye on your local brand-loyalist bookstore for the leather-bound collector’s edition.

Wish You Were Here,



14 responses to “Dear Consumers…

  1. What do you know? It turns out that Gawd does have a brain.

    I’ll volunteer something:

    God is so good, that he has made available to you many TV stations, so you’re not stuck watching Sarah Palin on the Discovery Channel.

    I feel the peace of Gawd all over me when I read that.

    • That is a good one, Lorena. Gawd should include it and screw the fact that Satan is actually the one who provided all the TV stations. As He said, it simply doesn’t matter if the book is true.

  2. Will Gawd’s book include a handy tip for unwrapping CDs and DVDs? That would be extremely inspirational. And useful.

  3. My wife was quite awed by this offering.

    Both content and graphics, as I am given on occasion to shouting things like “Christ on a crutch”! or “Christ on a bicycle”.

    And, lo! He appeared, mounted on a velocipede, and the multitudes shouted…

    Thank you for showing her that I’m NOT the only person who blasphemes thusly.

  4. Postie:
    I fear that you and commenters have assigned the wrong mode of transportation to god’s only begotten son. Didmt you know that the “H.” stands for Harley?

  5. “Didmt” is how we p’nounce that there word hereabouts in Kentucky.

  6. Chappy:
    We do, but that’s not what I mistyped. I was attempting an Epic Save, but you came along and ruined it with the truth.

  7. C’mon, Larry, if he had REAL style he’d be on an Ariel Red Hunter (my favorite ride! And yeah, I’ve had a Harley or two), 500cc single. Maybe a Triumph Bonneville TT, a vintage one. Can’t see him with ape-hangers, though, that’d be too much…

  8. Interesting, as pure speculation; but you guys are forgetting a major character trait of Gawd, (or any deity, really). “Never create the universe when you can evolve it. Never run when you can walk. Never walk when you can drive, (vintage bike or otherwise), and never, ever, ever drive when you’ve got a chauffeured limosine.”

  9. Damn, Postie! Trust you to interject sense into the discussion.

    But, what does he do about the requirements that seem to plague the rest of us?

    You know, the need for good sex, comfy footwear, and a comfy place to take a shit?

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