Dear Pet-Owning Brand-Loyalists,
Hi, it’s your Lord & Saviour, Jesus H. Christ. (The real one, that is, not My hippy brother.) It’s come to My attention that you have been keeping animals for reasons that Dad and Me have never condoned. I recently had to remind a couple of slacking brand loyalists what animals are for, but I don’t have the time to appear in every grilled cheese sandwich in the world. So I’m sending out this mimeographed postcard.
There have ever only been four uses for animals of any kind and I’m a little pissed off that I have to spell it out for you.
- Sacrificing. That was the original reason Dad made them in the first place. While they may not smell so great when wet, once you pop ’em on the barbecue the aroma is intoxicating. Addictive, really. Just ask my stoner brother. It’s because of His slacker ass We’ve all had to cut back. Which doesn’t mean you can’t light up Mister Frisky as long as you sacrifice it to Dad and/or Me. We’re not supposed to enable old patchouli breath.
- Hunting. It’s perfectly acceptable to stalk them, terrorize them, kill them and mount their heads above your fireplaces. Dad always said that, because of a slight design flaw, the only way to stop you from wiping each other out, (thus ruining His planned vacation), was to give you something else to destroy. So, when your wife just won’t shut up and can’t get it through her blond noggin that you are the head of the house, it’s part of Dad’s Grand Design™ for you to haul off and kick Bandit right in the ribs, chase him through the neighborhood and plug him with a .30-06.
- Eating. Don’t be confused. This is not related to hunting in any way. Dad invented restaurants and grocery stores for a reason. I hope I don’t have to explain this one.
- Temporary demon receptacles. This wasn’t in the original design specs, but I found out how great they are for this while doing an old demon buddy a solid once. So if you’re unlucky enough to have a gay son or something like that, you can always stuff it in your schnauzer.
These are the only reasons to have anything at all to do with… Oh, wait. They’re also good for dressing up in crazy costumes and making dance on YouTube. So, these are the only five reasons condoned by Me, your Lord & Saviour, and Dad, Lord Gawd Almighty.
If you’ve got a little baby kitten or a golden retriever or something and you’re not cooking it, chasing it, eating it, injecting it with Pure Evil or giving it a tutu, you’d better be on the way to the shelter to put it down. It’s not like it’s going to create more tithing brand loyalists or convince an atheist to come over from the dark side.
Your Best Pal,