Dear Pet Owners…

Dear Pet-Owning Brand-Loyalists,

  Hi, it’s your Lord & Saviour, Jesus H. Christ.  (The real one, that is, not My hippy brother.)  It’s come to My attention that you have been keeping animals for reasons that Dad and Me have never condonedI recently had to remind a couple of slacking brand loyalists what animals are for, but I don’t have the time to appear in every grilled cheese sandwich in the world.  So I’m sending out this mimeographed postcard.

  There have ever only been four uses for animals of any kind and I’m a little pissed off that I have to spell it out for you.

  1. Sacrificing.  That was the original reason Dad made them in the first place.  While they may not smell so great when wet, once you pop ’em on the barbecue the aroma is intoxicating.  Addictive, really.  Just ask my stoner brother.  It’s because of His slacker ass We’ve all had to cut back.  Which doesn’t mean you can’t light up Mister Frisky as long as you sacrifice it to Dad and/or Me.  We’re not supposed to enable old patchouli breath.
  2. Hunting.  It’s perfectly acceptable to stalk them, terrorize them, kill them and mount their heads above your fireplaces.  Dad always said that, because of a slight design flaw, the only way to stop you from wiping each other out, (thus ruining His planned vacation), was to give you something else to destroy.  So, when your wife just won’t shut up and can’t get it through her blond noggin that you are the head of the house, it’s part of Dad’s Grand Design™ for you to haul off and kick Bandit right in the ribs, chase him through the neighborhood and plug him with a .30-06.
  3. Eating.  Don’t be confused.  This is not related to hunting in any way.  Dad invented restaurants and grocery stores for a reason.  I hope I don’t have to explain this one.
  4. Temporary demon receptacles.  This wasn’t in the original design specs, but I found out how great they are for this while doing an old demon buddy a solid once.  So if you’re unlucky enough to have a gay son or something like that, you can always stuff it in your schnauzer.

  These are the only reasons to have anything at all to do with… Oh, wait.  They’re also good for dressing up in crazy costumes and making dance on YouTube.  So, these are the only five reasons condoned by Me, your Lord & Saviour, and Dad, Lord Gawd Almighty.

  If you’ve got a little baby kitten or a golden retriever or something and you’re not cooking it, chasing it, eating it, injecting it with Pure Evil or giving it a tutu, you’d better be on the way to the shelter to put it down.  It’s not like it’s going to create more tithing brand loyalists or convince an atheist to come over from the dark side.

Your Best Pal,

Republican Jesus

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13 responses to “Dear Pet Owners…

  1. Some animals, like locusts and she-bears, are also good for using in plagues and punishments.

  2. Wow! Gawd is still using the mimeograph? No wonder his postcards are few and far between. Obviously, he doesn’t pay the hired help enough to mimeograph the stuff quickly.

    Maybe he should train animals to do the job.

  3. Wait. You mean dressing them in tutus and making mad, passionate Republican with them is out? That’s really gonna piss off some farm boys.

    Never mind. I read number four. I guess that makes it okay with Gawd.

  4. (((Billy)))):
    I know Republicans do mad, really well, and I’m sure Rudy G. has a favorite tutu or two, but passionate? Clearly, your imagination is more fertile than mine.

  5. Larry,
    Gawd wouldn’t have even needed the she-bears if He could have perfected the flesh-eating locust.

    Lorena,
    As Adam discovered for us, animals are useful, but there are some things best left to a hot intern/secretary.

    (((Billy))),
    Careful. Mad, passionate Republican is what got Sodom and that other place into such hot water.

    Chappie,
    Just casually mention to a Republican what a joy it is that Bush is out and Obama is in and you’ll see plenty of passion.

  6. Postie:
    Gawd wouldn’t have even needed the she-bears if He could have perfected the flesh-eating locust.
    He did a bang-up job with mosquitoes, though. I can’t figure out how they fit into his loving plan for humans, though.

    • Larry: At the risk of being pedantic (looks around but I don’t see Ric here, so. . . ), mosquitos are bloodsuckers, no flesh eaters. Sheese! Icebergs and glaciers, bloodsuckers and carnivores. What did you do, move down South?

      Oh.

      Right.

      Nevermind.

      Postie: So are ‘saddelback’ and ‘Republican’ now synonymous?

  7. (((Billy))):
    Yup, I done moved down South. But I still reckon-ize them skeeters when I feel ’em. An’ them suckers they do get a mind to eat on you. So blood er flesh, what diffens do it make? You gone itch!

  8. Larry:

    Visit Maine during blackfly season. Little itty-bitty flies that take chunks!!11!!! out of your skin. And the open festering sores itch! There is a difference between carnivores and hematovores.

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