Dear Sarah Palin…

C/O Fox News, 1211 Ave. of the Americas, NY, NY 10036

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah,

  I thought we were compadres.  I thought we were pals.  I thought we had an understanding.  You don’t make a fuss about Me using the Gawd-O-Prompter 1.0 and I won’t tell the full story about your retard unfortunate child.  But you didn’t stick to your promise.  You, in effect, broke a covenant with Gawd.  Do you have any idea what happens to people who do that?  They lose their car keys!  They sometimes have flat tires!  At some point in their lives, lightening will strike within a three-mile radius!  The full-on Job treatment!  Chaos!  Ruin!  Dogs and cats living together!  Mass hysteria!

  Don’t imagine that, just because I’m in semi-retirement, I won’t open up a can of Old Testament Whoop Ass™ on you.  Don’t imagine that, just because I and My favorite son are admirers of the Teabagger movement, I won’t make your life a living Abilene, TX and sentence you to an eternity on a US Airways flight.  Believe Me, the Philistines didn’t call Me “that vindictive bastard” for nothing.  Just ask the dinosaurs, (and, by the way, don’t believe any anti-flood propoganda you hear about them).

  My point, Sarah, is – “You don’t mess with Me and I won’t send a couple of she-bears around to rough you up.”

  Now that we’ve gotten all the unpleasantness out of the way, how’s your new job treating you?  Number One Son, Republican Jesus, tells Me that if you want to get to the top there, your best bet is to shout, shout and shout again.  I should keep that in mind if I were you.

  I’m going to cut this short, Sarah.  Not just because it’s a strain to pretend I care about your, (or anyone’s), life, but also because the limo is pulling up to My hotel.  Just remember My threat suggestion and things should go as well for you and yours as anyone else, statistically speaking.

Wish You Were Here,



8 responses to “Dear Sarah Palin…

  1. You pretty much screwed up your relationship with Sarah, Sarah, Sarah when you couldn’t get her elected Vice President.

    I can’t understand why you’d prefer Biden? Even though he’s an old-time donkey, have you compared his ass to hers?

  2. The full-on Job treatment!

    Dontcha know? Full-on Teabaggers don’t want no Guvmint interfering with their right to be unemployed. Gotta let the market settle the job treatment, not a federal jobs bill.

    And thank you, Larry, for making me think of Biden’s ass. How the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight, perchance to dream?

  3. I’m confused. Is Abilene purgatory, or is it pre-school for Hell? And, is Hell prep school for US Airways or vice versa? Finally, is US Airways (or Hell) as bad as it gets, or is there something even more dreadful in the great beyond?

  4. Honestly good wit ‘n humor about ol’ Sarah.
    If you get a chance, take a look at my ode:
    To Sarah P
    (hope I didn’t sugar-coat it)

  5. Larry,
    Don’t look at Gawd, He was vacationing on Santorini during the election. And unless Palin and Biden were parading around the beach in thongs, He hasn’t compared anything about them.

    Gawd couldn’t agree more. No interference by those who can help for those who need it! Unless, of course, Gawd needs help with His vacation fund.

    This is the kind of meaty, philosophical discussion that most people shy away from. Good for you! And the answers are: US Airways is a sort of pre-school to Hell, as, (one way or another), the flight will at least end; and Abilene is prep-school, partly because being there feels like it will never end.

    You, sir, are a modern-day Seuss.

  6. Actually, Gawd has a point with the US Airways suggestion. Sarah Palin would be a great stewardess. Well, maybe, but at least that would take her away from the tired public eye.

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