Dear Brand-Loyalists and Others,
I’m sorr… I’m sorr-orr-orr… I apoloj-j-j… Er, it’s too bad this card is a little late. I was, (as far as you know), doing something very, very important on Sunday and couldn’t drop this in the mail. But here it is, now, so you ought to be thankful.
World, we’ve had a long and fruitful relationship, which I look forward to continuing until I don’t. As you are always reminding one another, (and rightly so), I love you more than your minds, which I designed perfectly, can understand. I love you more than anyone has ever loved anything in the long, 6,000 year history of everything. I love you even though you don’t begin to deserve it. I love you even though you’re filthy in every conceivable way. I love you so much that I sent one of My boys to you so you could kill Him in a particularly gruesome manner – so that I could forgive you for doing terrible things like picking up sticks on Saturday, wearing blended-material suits or killing people – and get back to loving you so very, very, very much. In short; I Am Love. I amaze even Myself, frankly.
Yes, I know there was that time I drowned all but eight of you and wiped out your pet dinosaurs, but, as I know you’ll be the first to point out, that was just because I love you so much. Besides, it was your own fault, anyway.
Like any good parent, I don’t like to play favorites. Just ask the Jesii. Even though Hippy Jesus is always spouting ridiculous hippy crap that all but makes My ears bleed, I never say out loud that Republican Jesus is My favorite. In fact, in order to appear scrupulously fair, I sent Hippy Jesus to be the sacrificial crucifixee for you to whip and kill and sing that “So You Are the Christ” song to. No one can ask fairer than that. And the same goes for you. The fact that I took a small subset of you and named them The Chosen Ones just underlines how much I love you. Even though you aren’t as good as the Jews and your overwhelming sinfulness disgusts Me to the point of dry heaves, I. Still. Love. You. And you former Chosen People, the Jewboys? It’s like Morrissey always says; I still love you… only slightly less than I used to.
I am, I think you’ll be happy to point out in hymn form at least once a week, truly fucking amazing. Just really spectacularly great. The lovingest, kindest, most merciful being since… well, ever.
Just as the icing on the cake, just to prove hom much I love you, (which I always seem to have to do, because you’re so screwed up and untrusting that you won’t take an omniscient, omnipotent deity’s word for it), I’ll leave you with this final and incontrovertible proof. This should be the last word on just how much I love you, even though you’re not good enough to deserve it.
I love you soooooooooooo much that if you don’t love Me back I’ll have you tortured be forced to allow an employee of Mine to torture you for all eternity. Twice.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Wish You Were Here,
(Note to Self: Send mimeograph copy to all inhabited worlds in Universes 1(c) through 412(qq), inclusive.)