Dear Tim Tebow…

1 Holier-Than-Thou St., Martyrsville, Saintsilvania

Dear Timmy,

  I heard recently that the two most important things in your life are Me and football… and mutilating little Filipino penises without a penis-mutilating license.  Right.  The three most important things in your life are Me, football and penis blood up to your elbows.  Two of those things, it goes without saying, I’ve got no problem with whatsoever.

  Timmeh, here’s a little something you should know about Me:  I wouldn’t piss down football’s throat if football’s guts were on fire.  Football is a closed book to Me, (preferably shredded and burned to boot).  The only games of chance and skill I’ve ever given a rat’s ass about are poker and blackjack.  Oh, and I have placed the odd bet on the Olympics, but that’s just for the wrestling.  My angel employees used to like a good, oily wrestle from time to time and I admit I got kind of hooked.

  But that’s neither here nor there.  What I’m trying to tell you is that the best you can possibly hope for from Me, when you play your silly game, is complete and utter indifference.  I could not care less.  At all.  I have never and I will never fix a game for you and I’d appreciate it if you stopped telling people I have.  However, that’s the best you can hope for.  When you paint advertisements for that Me-Damned, unauthorized biography on your annoying, cherubic face and stick it in front of every camera that comes within the gravitational pull of your black hole of sanctimoniousness… well, that’s been known to crimp My vacation somewhat.  Do you have any idea what a five-star hotel charges for an incinerated TV?  Not to mention that the lightning bolt often has to travel through several floors to get to the bar.  I’ve tried to explain that their insurance should cover acts of Gawd, but I think word has gotten around.

  And that, Timbow, is your fault.  Every time I see your unctuous face on the television in a hotel bar it costs Me thousands of dollars.  Since you started playing football, your puritanical, pious, preachy, priggish punim has flushed nearly a million dollars in hard-earned tithes down the crapper.  All because you insist on reminding Me not only what a self-righteous little shit you are, but that I have never seen a penny in royalties from that never-to-be-sufficiently-cursed, best-selling, factually-impaired,  unauthorized biography!

  Am I getting through to you here, son?  Bring Me more tithe-paying brand-loyalists all you like.  Fiddle with tiny foreign wedding tackle to your heart’s content.  Shun icky old girls til the cows come home, (It just leaves more rampant totty for those of us who like that sort of thing,).  Rail against said totty having rights over their own bodies, if that’s what you’re into.  Play with your ball, if that’s all you’re good at.  But don’t. Remind. Me. Of all that lost revenue.  Wipe that crap off your face or I’ll do it for you.  Got Me?  Good.

  By the way, the Jesii are hockey fans.

Wish You Were Here,



14 responses to “Dear Tim Tebow…

  1. Almost afraid to comment….certainly wouldn’t want to get on the Almighty’s bad side. I was here earlier and read your letter to Tim.

    Don’t know enough about him to have an opinion aside from the article about him mutilating penises. What in (your name) was he thinking.

    Hope you enjoy your vacation!

    • Always glad to see a new face, Roschelle. I wouldn’t worry too much about getting on Gawd’s bad side. If you’re not costing Him money or monopolizing the bartender, you’re pretty safe.
      As for Tebow, outside of college football, (which I understand some people care about), he’s best known for his “Every sperm is sacred” stance on reproduction.

  2. I love the graphic. My son, who attends a rival SEC school, told me that Tebow’s crying act every time he loses (which, admittedly, hasn’t been very often) is a joke among students around the SEC.

    • I’m informed that the graphic is from a t-shirt site called, but when you go there, the only option is to email them. No pictures. Maybe your son would like one for Valentine’s Day.

  3. Woah – Tebow I’d heard of (mostly due to the Focus On The Fascis- I mean Family adverts), but the whole circumcision thing…

    “But those people really needed the surgeries. We needed to help them.”

    What the fuck, Timbo? They really needed you to help them by mutilating their genitalia?! Coronary bypass surgery I can understand as necessary, but circumcision?

    Memo to self: never, ever seek medical assistance in the Philippines. You go in needing a hernia op, you come out finding that some vacationing football jock has run off with the end of your cock.

    • If memory serves, I think the Philippines is known for a number of woo-woo “healers” who perform “surgery” without cutting, etc.
      Now, if Timmy could snatch away the tip of someone’s Little Tebow without cutting, that might be impressive… or extremely disturbing. Take your pick.

  4. Once again Gawd is showing no patience and causing disasters out of pure present moment rage, like he did in the Old Testament.

    He should realize that, in the long run, football-player-turned-fake-doc will bring money to his vacation fund.

    But, what can I say? There are no anger management programs that can help good, old Gawd.

    • Lorena,

      I think He feels that no amount of tipping from satisfied backroom circumcision recipients will ever make up for all the lost revenue from sales of the autobiography that He didn’t write.
      But, yes, He has been known to sometimes get a teensy weensy bit irate and wipe out an entire civilization for what you and I might call “no reason”.

  5. The reason Tebow assisted in those Filipino brisses was so that he could reap the parts.

    He plans to make a magic football from them. If the quarterback rubs it, the ball will grow larger — and easier to catch.

  6. He plans to make a magic football from them. If the quarterback rubs it, the ball will grow larger…

    Damn, I’ve got to stop reading so fast. I initially read that last sentence as, “If the quarterback rubs it, his balls will grow larger…” On the bright, Tebow would be a nice change from that grinning idiot, Bob.

  7. Look at it this way: if Tebow gets a multi-gajillion dollar contract, and if he tithes, that’s a shitload of fine scotch, Cuban cigars, and barely-legal hookers for Gawd. All things that Tebow hates.

    That’s what you call irony.

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