Dear Haiti…

Next to the Dominican Republic

Dear Whoever Is Left,

  I know how people gossip, so before any wild rumours get started, I wanted to assure you that I didn’t have anything to do with your little foundational problems.  I don’t even ever think of you, to be honest.  I mean, why would I?  None of the three hotels in the country are up to My vacation standards.  For My sake, Marriott doesn’t even have a property there, so why would I bother?

  So, that should be a real relief to you right now.  I understand you’ve got a bit of sweeping and picture-straightening to do, which should go a lot easier and faster since you don’t have to go around wondering, “Why did Gawd smite us?  What horrible, repulsive sin did we, collectively, commit to bring down our tin roofs on our heads?”  The answer is, I didn’t do it to you.  So heave a big sigh of relief and get back to your lives.

  Until the next time.

  Because the next time it will be Me on the giving end of a world-class Gawdly smack-down.  It’s like this tourist I ran into in the Dominican Republic said to me once, “Poor people make me sick,”.  Astute guy.  I forget his name.  “Hurry Lumbago”?  “Rick Lumbar”?  Anyway, big fat bastard.  You’d remember him if you ever met him.  Anyway, like Fat Bastard pointed out, you just can’t trust ’em.  Meaning you, that is.  You know, ’cause you’re poor and brown.

  And he was right, as I just found out from My boy, Pat Robertson.  You did some kind of under-the-table deal with Be’elzebub, an employee of Gawd, Inc., to get rid of some cheese-eating surrender monkeys… oh, Me.  That one always cracks Me up.  No matter how many times I hear it.  “Cheese-eating surr…”  You get it?  It’s the French, right?  See, because they… oh, never mind.  Anyway, you seem to have been involved in some sort of shady embezzling scheme cooked up by the managing director of one of My subsidiaries, Hell.  I expect that sort of thing from Be’elzebub, the scamp, but you are a different story.

  Of course, by “you” I mean your great, great, great, great, great, great, great… ish grandparents.  Since they’re not around anymore to pay the piper, I figure I’ll just take it out on you and/or your kids, grandkids, etc.  It seems only fair.  I mean, somebody’s got to make up any shortfall in My vacation fund, real or perceived.  It can’t be Be’elzebub, because I’m already docking that scallywag’s pay until the sun snuffs out – so it’s going to have to be you people.  I’m going to have to keep you poor for a long, long time in order to divert more money to “comfortable” brand-loyalists, who will then pass that money along to Me in the form of tithing.  I hope I don’t have to be so crass as to mention that this doesn’t let you off the hook for weekly tithing.  You’ve still got to pay your share; eating dirt or not.  But don’t worry, I’m assured that trickle-down economics works a treat.

  In the meantime, you’ll need to have a shorter, sharper lesson in not messing with My cash flow.  Probably a hurricane or a tsunami or something.  Ooh!  Or a swarm of land-sharks maybe.  I’ll decide later.  My Filet Mignon avec Sauce Bernaise has arrived and I’ve got to tuck in before it gets cold.

Wish You Were Here,



9 responses to “Dear Haiti…

  1. I must say I’m truly puzzled by Gawd’s comment regarding his uber-loyalist Rush Limbaugh.

    But then, Fatty Rushy is the loyal one, nobody said Gawd was loyal, right?

    • Oh, is that who that was? Gawd probably didn’t recognize him. He’s happy to have all the loud-mouthed brand-loyalists He can get, but He doesn’t exactly hang out with them or listen to their radio programs.

  2. Wouldn’t Gawd’s vacation fund really perk the hell up if He used His almighty powers to help a poor nation, rather than doing a mondo collective smiting? After all, rich religiobots have more money to give to Gawd than poor religiobots, right?

    Well, it worked in Kentucky, Georgia and West Virginia. Why not Haiti?

    • Obviously, Gawd would rather have one big tithe from someone like His compadre, Pat Robertson than a million tiny, grubby tithes from poor, brown people. Duh. You obviously don’t understand the religio-capitalist system.


      • Gawd would rather have one big tithe … than a million tiny, grubby tithes….

        Of course. Can you imagine the administrative hassles involved in processing all those little tithes? Cashing one big check is much easier, which gives Gawd more time to shoot pool, hang out by the pool and ogle the gals and all that other holy shit he does on vacation.

  3. I forget his name…. Anyway, big fat bastard. You’d remember him if you ever met him.

    Is that because Haitians have better memories than Gawd?

    • Well, apparently, not even Alzheimer’s ridden, ancient Gawd can forget the bastard, so chances are neither would the Haitians.

      • Well, I’m sure his reputation and stories of his exploits preceded him… and by “exploits” I mean “undocumented, under-age sex-workers”. So, pretty hard to forget, I should think.

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