Dear Gunther and Bob,
I wanted to drop a line to thank My two favorite she-bears for all the hard work you’ve done this year and since I first contracted you to rid the earth of a number of heinous baddies who had gotten right up My left nostril. As you know, over the years some of My creations have annoyed the Holy Crap out of Me. All I ever wanted when I created everything* was a series of nice hotels with good bars and first-class service. Is that too much to ask? I created man** solely to praise My name, fluff My pillows and pour a stiff scotch, but some of them just don’t listen.
Which, of course, is where you came in. I really couldn’t have asked for better, more discreet Holy Assassins than the two of you. The day Artaius, the Gaulish Bear-God, went out of business and put you on the job market was a happy day indeed, (and not just because the son of a bitch has such incomparably hideous breath and body odor).
Anyway, I was going over a number of the jobs you did for Me last year and felt you’d rather have a few specific “attaboy’s” rather than a monetary bonus. I’m almost sure that craftsbears such as yourselves would only be insulted by a crass and impersonal wad of cash. So, here’s to you, Gunther and Bob. Cheers.
1) Oral Roberts: Excellent work. When I say I want $2.4 billion by mid-December or I’m calling you home, I mean no later than noon on the 15th. Period. Schmuck.
2) Mary Travers: What can I say? I woke up one morning with “If I Had a Hammer” stuck in My head.
3) Some woman who stole a cab from Me one day: Sometimes an example must be made.
4) Patrick Swayze: I hated “Dirty Dancing”… and that ghost thing… and “Red Dawn”.
5) Justin Keating: My old Chosen People, the Jews, have no right to Isreal, eh? Well, how about a nice cyanide suppository administered by Dr. She-Bear?
6) Robert Novak: When I tell you something’s not for publication, you ought to listen.
7) Les Paul: Now My guitar collection can only rise in value.
8) Walter Cronkite: There can only be one “Most Trusted” around here, bitch.
9) Karl Malden: That nose haunted My nightmares. Good riddance.
10) Sassy: That’s one German Shepherd that won’t pee on My rental car again.
I could go on, but I know you understand what I’m saying. Thanks for all the hard work and I look forward to many years of satisfactory smitings.
Wish You Were Here,
*Note to other deities: Don’t get Your Divine Underpants in a wad. If You can come up with more brand-loyalists than Me, You can have created everything, Yourself. Until then, sit down and shut up.