The Jesii’s General has intruded a bit on my bailiwick and delivered a letter from a deity. I won’t deny that I’m slightly annoyed. I mean, I don’t go around oil-wrestling teabaggers for the greater glory of Gawd, do I? So, if anyone runs across The General at a militia meeting or a spatula store or something, let him know that I’ve got the mail thing covered.
~Postman
"Gone Fishin': Postcards From God" 
I really hope Santa is engaging in safe bestiality. After all, we don’t need another syphillis, right?
Then again, Santa only gets to come once a year, and that’s down a chimney, so I guess he doesn’t always get what he wants, but if he tries, some times, he gets what he needs.
You’d think Gawd would have supplied him with a wife.
“Santa only gets to come once a year, and that’s down a chimney,”
You immediately reminded me of that bit Ricky Gervais does reading from an AIDS pamphlet from the 80’s. Instead of anal sex, it had a list of ten alternate ideas, like “Why not masturbate each other,” and, (my favorite), “Why not come out a window?”
Apparently, you were much more ‘with it’ during the 80s. Going to high school in western Maryland, and then college in rural New Hampshire, I was aware that homosexuality existed (in a purely theoretical sense), but things like that never actually entered my personal reality. Apparently, Gawd let you be more cosmopolitan.
Maybe Gawd trusted Postie to act more responsibly with his knowledge at that age.
And it would appear that the trust was, well, shall we say, misplaced? After all, Postie became a thespian. And he performs on a stage. In public. Not only that, I have it on good authority that he has been known to masticate. In public. And he even perambulated an infant. So it would appear my rather naive upbringing has protected me from rampant thespianism.
OMG! Public mastication! And thespianism too! I’ve heard about those thespians and their mastication! Some people say they do it day and night! Can you imagine?
*shudder*
People even pay to see him perform thespian acts. And sometimes, he pays people to allow him to masticate in their establishment. So which one of us used our knowledge more responsibly? After all, I only became a career beaurocrat.
I cannot let this disgusting charade go on any longer. At long last, sir, have you no sense of decency? To say that people pay to see me perform these so-called “thespian acts” is a wild and irresponsible overstatement.
Take it back, sir. Take it back.
No.
Right. Fair ’nuff.
Oh my gosh, (((Billy))), I never knew you could be so funny. I’ve been laughing for a while.
Ah, but you didn’t deny the mastication. Therefore, you’re certainly guilty of that one.
You really should work for one of the big TV news agencies.