Dear B. Hussein Obama…

Secret Muslim Mosque, 5th Floor Basement, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Dear Mister Obama,

  I’ve got to hand it to you.  You almost had Me fooled.  I, (accidentally), watched you accept the Nobel Peace Prize from the bar at My hotel the other night.  When you told all those shifty foreigners, “Blah blah blah Gandhi.  Blah blah blah Martin Luther King… but I’m gonna keep whipping Afghan and Iraqi ass,”, I just about decided you were alright, after all.

  But then, as I passed the front desk of the Ritz-Carlton, Pentagon City, the  faceless functionary stationed there wished Me “Happy Holidays”!  Happy Holidays!  To Me, of all deities!  Well, you can bet your non-white derriere that I’ll be filling out a scathing rating card when I check out.

  Which brings Me to you.  Here you are, pretending to do My work by crushing Allah’s brand-loyalists right and left, when what you’re really doing is sending all the troops overseas instead of keeping them here for the most important war of all.  The War On Christmas™ (© Bill O’Reilly, 2005).

  You can wipe out all one hundred al Qaeda Club members in Afghanistan, and even bottle up the rest in Pakistan, but what does it boot you if the Homefront is lost, eh?  What about the Jesii?  How do you think They would feel if you lost the War On Christmas™?  Or, is that your plan?  Boy, it just goes to show that you can’t trust a Musselman or a dirty, filthy atheist, which many of My Teabagger brand-loyalists have pointed out you fit the bill for; a dirty, filthy, atheistic, foreign Musselman.

  Obviously, you shouldn’t take that personally.  My brand-loyalists just love My country so much that they feel compelled to point out things that other, saner, people might not notice.  It’s nothing personal.  Some of their best friends are foreign, brown and destined for an eternity in Hell… though they might not be able to name them off the tops of their heads.

  So, My point is that you’d better drastically change your policies, unless you want The Ritz-Carlton to receive an irate note and for My vast, overwhelming, (but downtrodden), hordes to boycott The Ritz and any other business that doesn’t kowtow to their My every whim.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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5 responses to “Dear B. Hussein Obama…

  1. If you ever find yourself in the Shenandoah Valley, Musselman’s is one of the best applesauces out there.

    And isn’t Gawd all powerful? If He wants the Ritz to go totally crackers and kowtow to Him, can’t He just inflict various painful and unmentionable plagues on them until the Ritz management gets on their knees to give Him their pleasure and beg forgiveness? Or would that assume a Gawd who hasn’t been on vacation since the first nanosecond of the big bang?

    • Sheesh! The filthy, foreign devils have gotten to the applesauce, too?

      As for inflicting, you know Gawd, like Dirk Gently, believes in the interconnectedness of all things. So when He wants to punish someone, He floods a city on another continent or gives a puppy distemper.

  2. I think we’ll find that a rock slide outside of Buenos Aires may be His first salvo.

    Ah, yes – the old “hit ’em where they least expect it” strategy. It works like a charm every time.

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