Dear The Internet,
A few days ago, as I waited for a flight in the Terraces Lounge at JFK, I pulled out My newfangled Internetsbook that the boys gave me as an early St. Nicholas Day present and I Googled Myself, as any self-respecting deity would. It didn’t take much “surfing” to realize that you, The Internets, have got some kind of nasty multiple personality disorder. For the most part, you gave Me praise and worship and defense, as is only right. However, I couldn’t help but notice that you sometimes contradict yourself.
For instance, one of your, (I can only assume evil and misguided), personalities, called this little war that’s going in Afghanistan, “an open sore on the pockmarked face of history and an abomination before the sight of Gawd,”. Where the Hell did you get an idea like that? What kind of a hippy, commie, socialist crybaby do you think I Am?! And, I might add, why do you hate the soldiers so?
I thought I’d been pretty clear about what a good thing war is. “Murder the Midianites,” I said. “Kill ’em all and let Me sort ’em out… if I get around to it,” I clearly stated. “The only good Amalekite is a dead Amalekite,” I reasonably pointed out. And if you were thinking that maybe I changed My mind, think again. If you got Me and My boys mixed up, (for which, a smite on the wrist is due), take My word for it, They like to play war just as much as Me.
So, look, don’t go all schizo on me. As one of My favorite brand-loyalists used to say, “We’ve got to keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.”
Wish You Were Here,