Dear Internets…

Somewhere In My Computer

Dear The Internet,

  A few days ago, as I waited for a flight in the Terraces Lounge at JFK, I pulled out My newfangled Internetsbook that the boys gave me as an early St. Nicholas Day present and I Googled Myself, as any self-respecting deity would.  It didn’t take much “surfing” to realize that you, The Internets, have got some kind of nasty multiple personality disorder.  For the most part, you gave Me praise and worship and defense, as is only right.  However, I couldn’t help but notice that you sometimes contradict yourself.

  For instance, one of your, (I can only assume evil and misguided), personalities, called this little war that’s going in Afghanistan, “an open sore on the pockmarked face of history and an abomination before the sight of Gawd,”.  Where the Hell did you get an idea like that?  What kind of a hippy, commie, socialist crybaby do you think I Am?!  And, I might add, why do you hate the soldiers so?

  I thought I’d been pretty clear about what a good thing war is.  “Murder the Midianites,”  I said.  “Kill ’em all and let Me sort ’em out… if I get around to it,” I clearly stated.  “The only good Amalekite is a dead Amalekite,” I reasonably pointed out.  And if you were thinking that maybe I changed My mind, think again.  If you got Me and My boys mixed up, (for which, a smite on the wrist is due), take My word for it, They like to play war just as much as Me.

  So, look, don’t go all schizo on me.  As one of My favorite brand-loyalists used to say, “We’ve got to keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.

Wish You Were Here,



15 responses to “Dear Internets…

  1. What part of dashing babies’ heads against rocks don’t you get?

  2. Well, is Gawd the god of peace, or the god of pieces? the god of love, or the god of ‘I’d love to kill you? the god who protects the downtrodden, or the god who downtrods? Someone, somewhere, needs to make a decision on this.

    • Right. Let’s you and I hammer this out for the world, once and for all.

      Gawd is the Gawd of War and delicious Reece’s Pieces.
      Gawd does not hob-nob with the downtrodden. That would put a damper on His vacation. However, He does own 7 different types of hobnail boots.
      Speaking as Gawd’s representative to The Internets, I hope this clears everything up. Everyone can get back to eating cake now.

  3. Gawd eats Reese’s Pieces? Next, you’ll be telling us that he dunks his Oreos in white milk and his donuts in black coffee.

    • Ah, I see where you’re getting confused. Gawd doesn’t eat Reese’s Pieces. He owns a huge chunk of stock in the company. He does eat Oreos, but only the hand-made kind which are pressed between the thighs of 14-year-old Philipino virgins.

      • He does eat Oreos, but only the hand-made kind which are pressed between the thighs of 14-year-old Philipino virgins.

        Ugh. Sorry I brought it up. But, now that we’re on the subject, would those be male or female virgins?

        • I don’t know where these vicious rumours get started. Once and for all, Gawd is 100% hetero and any photos you might have seen to the contrary are obvious fakes.
          So, to be completely clear; just as Glenn Beck did not rape and murder a young girl in 1990, Gawd has never experimented with alternative sexual lifestyles while at school.

      • I generally do not correct grammar on someone elses blog, however, since you are Gawd’s official spokesperson, I do need to point out that thought the nation is spelled with a ‘Ph’, the people are spelled with an ‘F’. Gawd should remember that as He’s been effing people over for aeons, neh?

  4. Oh my gosh! Even Gawd gets confused by his brand loyalists’ PR campaign!

    If his followers used half their brains and noticed all the shit that goes on, they would all be on meds. Maybe the pharmaceutical companies need to launch an atheist bus campaign, to send a bunch of Christians to the nut house.

  5. Total respect for managing to smite entire nations and still finding the time to smite us lesser mortals.

    You’ve certainly earned those holidays.

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