Dear Scientologists…

Hollywood, USA

Dear OT’s I Through XXVII (inclusive),

  You guys have had it rough lately.  People think your religion, and your Chosen One, are just a big joke.  Boy, that smarts, doesn’t it?  So, I thought I would drop you a note to tell you to keep plugging away.

  When My boys and I started Our business, people thought Our brand-loyalists were nuts, too.  The brand-loyalists of Zeus, Baal, Odin and even Tree Spirit #4 used to laugh unmercifully at them.  But now, the rulers of the most powerful nation in history can proudly stand before the world and say, “How you like me now, bitches!”  Even My toughest competitor, Allah, (who is a hack), only got as big as He is by selling a knock-off of My product.

  So, as you can see, no matter how crazy people think you are today, give it a thousand years or so and your brand will be just as sacred and untouchable as Mohammadism or Mormonism or even Protestantism, (“Now with 50% More Jesus!”).  Eventually you’ll have spin-off products and maybe Tom Cruise will bring His kids into the business, as I did.  There will be Holy Relics like bits of the One True Couch on which The Chosen One proved His heterosexuality to the Great & Powerful Oprah.  The possibilities are endless, really.

  Which brings Me to the main reason I’m writing.  While fame and power and fortune, (even more than you wield now), are almost certainly Scientology’s, eventually; the sad truth is none of you will be around to cash in on it.  No, like the early martyrs, your lot is to die, (figuratively), a gruesome death, (also figurative), in the figurative arena with the (mostly figurative) lions.  The best you can hope for in your lifetimes is a small tax-exemption, and you may not have that for long.  Therefore, purely out of the love of My heart, (For is it not written, “Gawd is Love,”?), I’d like to offer you a proposal that I think you’ll like.

  I want to put in a bid to make Scientology a wholly-owned subsidiary of Gawd, Inc.  From your perspective, it’s a win-win, home-run, slam-dunk of a deal.  From day one, you’ll have the protection of My unexamined Respect.  No one will dare make fun of you anymore for fear of offending My (admittedly touchy) brand-loyalists.  Folks guffaw at tales of Xenu torturing galactic citizens in space-faring DC-10’s?  Not once you explain that Xenu is now VP, Interstellar Acquisitions, at Hell, Ltd.  “Some people” say that Tom Cruise is a short, closeted fruitcake in every sense of the word?  They’ll shut their pie holes when you show them a copy of the Gawd, Inc. press release naming Him the latest in a long line of well-respected prophets.  Mess with one of My prophets and you’re likely to get mauled by bears.  That’s the sort of thing people sit up and take notice of.  And money?  Phrew!  Just ask Pope Ratzi what his cash-flow situation is like.

  On My end, all I ask is that you start turning over the tithes you already collect to My vacation fund.  You know, just to cover expenses and whatnot.  For what you’re now spending on lawyers and private eyes and street thugs, you can get the much more efficacious mantle of Gawd, Inc.

  I’ll have My lawyers send your lawyers a copy of the standard contract.  I can’t wait to have you in the family, so to speak.

Wish You Were Here,



8 responses to “Dear Scientologists…

  1. Oh my gosh! I didn’t realize that Scientologists were not contributing to holy vacation fund.

    I’d like to think that, if they accept his offer, he’ll start paying the angels and cherubs, but that’s not likely.

    Maybe he’ll just start his own distillery of heavenly tequila somewhere in Mexico.

    • You’re right. He’s not likely to start paying anyone at this late date. As for Heavenly tequila, isn’t Tequila Rose already advertised as that? He may already have a controlling interest in the company.

      *EDIT: Oops. Now that I look it up, I realize that Tequila Rose isn’t even tequila.
      However, as a fairly typical college Postman, I do recall drinking so much Mezcal once that Gawd spoke to me. I think He said, “If you stick your finger down your throat, you’ll feel better.”

      • I do recall drinking so much Mezcal once that Gawd spoke to me. I think He said, “If you stick your finger down your throat, you’ll feel better.”

        LOL! I can almost see you on your knees staring at the toilet in agony.

      • If you eat the worm, you’ll feel better. Trust me.

        Well, it won’t make you feel better, but everyone else will be laughing. Trust me.

  2. This post has been a revelation. I didn’t realize that Scientology was not a subsidiary of Gawd, Inc. I really must start keeping better track of heavenly business news. How else will I know where to invest my retirement funds?

  3. Gawd: If the Scientologists become part of Gawd, Inc., does that mean that they will suddenly start thinking that unions are a good idea? It seems like every time a company starts treating employees slaves like, well, um, slaves? the minions suddenly discover the wonderful world of worker brotherhood. I have some acquaintances over in Jersey who may be able to help you. If not, I’m pretty good at slipping items into contracts which won’t be noticed by the victims employees until after they sign on the dotted line.

    Trust me. I was right about the worm, right?

    • Phrew! There you go again. You know that Gawd only supports solidarity for the brand-loyalists… and then not in the way you mean. If you’re not careful, you’ll wake up with a unicorn head in bed with you.

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