Dear Poor, Poor, Shat-Upon Brand-Loyalists,
It has come to My Divine Attention that you are being crushed like defenseless, thin-skinned tomatoes. Boy, if I weren’t on vacation I’d give those mustachioed, assless-chap-wearing fags and their millions and millions of enablers such a smiting! Well, actually, I couldn’t really afford to do that. All of My angels, seraphim, cherubim, etc. are LGBT, and they have got one Hell of a union. You wouldn’t believe the stink they raised when somebody leaked a memo on Gawd, Inc. policy about that.
So let’s keep it on the QT that I’m backing your rally for the right to say anything you want about the gaybos. On Monday, November 16, when you’re standing outside the Department of Justice, (Good one.), urging each other to do as Republican Jesus commands and revile sissy-boys, twinkies and bull-dykes, know that I will be there with you. Not literally, of course. As I say, I’m on vacation and the weather in Bali right now is not to be missed. But, you know, figuratively. Just be sure not to mention Me. I can’t afford a slow-down or, Me forbid, a strike right now. If Gawd, Inc. has to bus in demon scabs, it’s liable to get ugly.
It’s odd how hard it is to find qualified angels, as opposed to demons, now that I think about it. Dead brand-loyalists line up around the block when Hell is hiring; and not just to get off the receiving end. There’s just something about torturing others that appeals to them. Or maybe it’s the dental insurance, I don’t know. I’m sure you’ll want to apply as soon as you kick the bucket. Being members of the CADC will certainly look good on your resumé. If you’ve also ever drowned little baby kittens or tied firecrackers to a dog’s tail, be sure to mention it. Every little bit helps.
Anyway, most of you won’t have to worry about getting your demon CV in order until the bus ride home, so let’s get back to the point. The point here is not whether or not it’s alright to say that fags, ass-bandits, benders, queens, andro-dykes, aunties, back-ticklers, botty-burglars, buggerers, bumboys, catamites, chocolate chimney sweeps, colon commanders, donut punchers, dykes, exhaust-pipe engineers, fairies, freaks, fudge-packers, homos, inverts, knob jockies, left-handers, lezbos, lezzies, leztastics, longtime companions, mollies, nellies, on-the-other-bussers, pansies, queers, rear admirals, sodomites, twinks, uphill gardeners, vice anglaises and wind-jammers should die horrible, horrible deaths and then spend all of eternity in the vilest bit of Hell. No, the point is to show the world how badly you are being oppressed. If your right to castigate catamites is taken from you, what’s the point? Am I right? Really, I can think of few things worse than being told you can’t share with the world your disgust of those who, as far as anyone can prove, are not the same as you. So you get out there and fight for your rights, and know that I’m with you 100%*.
Wish You Were Here,
* The phrase “with you 100%” is not meant to convey agreement by Gawd, Gawd, Inc. or any of its subsidiaries, including Hell & Purgatory, LLC, with any position you may espouse, or to denote legal or ethical responsibility of aforesaid deities or corporations. Wink, wink.