Dear Glenn Beck…

Beck is Insane

Secret Govt. Organ-Stealing Plant, Reagan Wing, Rm. 3A

Dear Glenn,

  I’m sorry to hear you’re under the weather.  I was going to send flowers, but a) they cost money I require for other purposes and 2) I was afraid you might be allergic to anything that isn’t white.

  This doesn’t come easily to Me, but… well, when I say that I’m sorry, I actually mean it this time.  I’m sorry because it’s My fault.  I didn’t mean to embolden your appendix to climb up your spinal column and try to throttle your brain.  In the past, with situations like burning Sodom & that other place, or drowning all the dinosaurs, I wasn’t the least bit sorry because I fully meant to wreak all that destruction.  You’d have agreed totally if you’d been there.  Sodom, (and I admit the name should have been a giveaway), turned out to be chock full of sodomites and the dinosaurs were agitating for Communist Health Care.  So, good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.

  However, in your case, it was simply a slip of the old omnipotence.  I was chatting up this girl in the bar of My hotel and she seemed really impressed when I told her that I’m omniscient and omnipotent.  In no time I was reading her mind, (“I wonder what’s on TV right now?”), and lighting the candles at the tables from across the room.  So, before I knew it, she was asking Me just how omnipotent I was.  “You mean,”, she said, “You could just snap Your fingers and make the world a better place?”

  You can probably see where this is going from here.  Without thinking about it, I said, “Sure, baby,”, snapped My fingers and Pow!  Your appendix went rogue.

  Really, when you think about it, I shouldn’t blame Myself.  It’s just as much that girl’s fault as mine.  More, actually.  I’m really more of an innocent bystander here.  Or, as I know you’d agree, it looks a lot like a conspiracy against Me.  I was just doing what I do.  Enjoying My vacation, having a drink or six in the hotel bar and picking up loose totty.  She took advantage of My nature in order to embarrass Me and get rid of you.

  If I were you, I’d get on the air immediately and tell the world about this socialist plot to kill you.  Presuming you survive their vicious attack.

Wish You Were Here,



9 responses to “Dear Glenn Beck…

  1. But if Gawd is omnipotent (which (I guess) makes viagra redundant), omniscient, omnibenevolent, omnidriving, etc. (which means Gawd knows what it was, what it is, and what it will be, baby), then why should He have to apologize? If affecting a relic part of Glenn Beck’s GI tract (and thank you so much for creating a situation where I would actually use the phrase, “Glenn Beck’s GI tract” in a sentence (Blech!)) was (is?) a mistake, shouldn’t Gawd have seen it coming and known that he should not try to impress that hottie?

    That said, I do have to agree that removing Beck (and Limbaugh, Coulter, Cheney, etc.) would make the world a better place. Trying to claim it as an accident, though, would seem to imply Gawd is nonomniscient.

    • (((Billy))),

      Aren’t you being just a little disengenuous? You know as well as anyone that He hardly ever turns on the omniscience, because of all the stuff He just doesn’t want to know. It’s much easier to do a little light mind-reading to pick up chicks.

      • Does He turn on the omnipotence? or is He cursed with imomnipotence?

        And what exactly, pray tell, does He not want to know?

        • Shhh… we don’t mention the im-you-know-what. I’ll just say that seeing an amputee puts Him right off.
          And He doesn’t want to know the icky stuff. You know – right now someone’s strapping a bomb to their chest; right now x number of children are starving with bloated bellies and flies walking across their eyeballs; right now David Hasselhoff is murdering a cheeseburger. The stuff no sane deity, or Gawd, would want to know about.

  2. He hardly ever turns on the omniscience, because of all the stuff He just doesn’t want to know.

    Free Will fundies will pick up this quote in 3…2…1…

  3. Gawd is such a cheap dude–how expensive was it to send Glen Beck white roses, or white Lilies, or whatever.

    I know, Gawd couldn’t get himself to get cheap, white flowers from the Latinos that peddle them down the street from his hotel. That would’ve been below him.

    By the way, you may tell Gawd that if Glen Beck dies, it won’t bother me one bit. I may even donate a couple of dollars for Gawd’s vacation fund.

    • If Beck kicks the bucket, I’ll certainly stand Gawd a drink the next time I see Him.

      As for the cheap flowers, you know that Gawd, like Colbert, doesn’t see color. Or, rather, He doesn’t see colored people. Literally. Red & yellow, black & brown, it’s all the same to Him; invisible.

  4. In case of omnipotence lasting longer than 4 hours, please consult a physician.

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