Dear Atheist Foundation of Australia…

Denial of Service

Where Women Glow and Men Chunder

Dear Chosen Ozians,

  Are you trying to make the Baby Jesii cry?  If you go through with your planned… er… plan of Divine Denial of Service, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.  I know you mean to put Me, personally, offline because of something one of My brand-loyalists did to you, which I can understand.  Believe Me, I know what it’s like to attack someone for something someone else did.  Been there; done that; designed the t-shirt.

  However, I’m not sure you understand how this prayer thing works.  That’s understandable, as you tend to think along the lines of reality-based actions, whereas My brand-loyalists fully grasp the ways of the meta-natural, super-physicality that is My domain.  It’s ineffable.  You wouldn’t get it.  My old pal Cthulhu’s minion, PZ Myers, almost has it right.

“[A]ll modern prayers are first funneled through a 110 baud modem, then passed further upstairs by telegraph, then pony express riders gallop it over to the Pearly Gates, and then a rewritten version is passed on to a team of long-dead Sumerian scribes for transcription into cuneiform on wax plates, and then and only then is it in a format that a bronze age patriarchal deity can understand.”

  But, the crucial bit of the chain he is missing is that those wax plates are then stored in a warehouse complex outside of Santa Fe, NM for safekeeping. I never actually look at them.  To be honest, I got a C- in Cuneiform in school.  If it hadn’t been for cheating off of Enki, I probably would have failed the class.   The only prayers that I actually receive are those which are handwritten on postcards and mailed to Me at whichever hotel I happen to be staying in at the time.  So all you’re going to do is make extra work for the telegraphers, riders, scribes and forklift operators.

  Normally, this wouldn’t bother Me, since I don’t pay those guys, anyway.  The problem here is with My boys, the Jesii.  That 110 baud modem is what They use to access the interwebs.  You can take it from Me that if Republican Jesus can’t get on to glennbeck.com and Hippy Jesus can’t download Peter, Paul & Mary mp3’s, there will be some weeping and gnashing of teeth.

  Actually, the real problem is that if the Jesii start calling Me up while I’m on vacation, whingeing away about no access to blogs, music and porn, I’m liable to start smiting.  As you are a subset of My Chosen People, the atheists, I know you understand the way I deal with problems.  I won’t take out My annoyance on the Jesii, who will actually be bothering Me, I’ll take it out on you by causing a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico next hurricane season.  I’ll take it out on you by smiting a telephone repairman in Sweden with lightning.  I’ll take it out on you by causing a statistically insignificant rise in the number of miscarriages in Alabama.  If I’m really cheesed off I’ll take it out on you by not helping some of My brand-loyalists find their missing car keys.

  By now, I know that you’re literally quaking in your cork-festooned hats.  You can thank your lucky stars, (and by “your lucky stars”, I mean “Me”), that you didn’t come up with a Divine Denial of Service that would have inconvenienced Me, personally.  In that case, you would have had a lawsuit from Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC in your hands faster than you could say “G’day”.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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13 responses to “Dear Atheist Foundation of Australia…

  1. Dear Gawd,
    Can I have your email addy? Seems to me it would save a lot of time not to mention those poor bastards you don’t pay to transcribe the messages the dead horses bring them.

    • Dan,

      While Gawd does, technically, have an email address, (above, on the right), it’s only sheer luck that He is able to check it from time to time. His Divine Face was blank throughout the explanation of what it is and how it works that the Jesii gave Him.

  2. Gawd,

    Maaaate,

    How nice to hear from You.

    Now, let’s sort this out cobber.

    Reading between the lines matey, it doth seem like the second coming is some re-accreditation course and not the fair dinkum trumpeting and squashing and saving and casting into pits of despair we have so longed for, for er… so long.

    I’ve never seen a real Bottomless Abyss or a white horse with wings or Ken Ham proven right. And, well – I’ve promised the kids.

    My only begotten kids, no less.

    As for your lads, Digger, well I thought we nailed that rebellious streak – no pun intended. You did tell the twins if they keep going out together, the entire resurrection gig will start to look suspicious. And what sort of example does it set for homophobes – 2 men out together?

    I mean, Youdammit, as the saying goes: Give a man a reputation as an early resurrectee and he can stay dead for millennium. Now, everyone earns an extra die in – especially on weekends – but those lads have taken advantage of Your generous and gentle nature, cobber.

    What You need to do bloke, is Delegate. Dead set. Delegate, delegate, delegate.

    But Gawd, ask yourself honestly. Isn’t it the cheating off Enki and his flinging of semen, impregnating of siblings and his sculling of ale that truly explains Your behaviour?

    Not to mention letting the kids turn him into wine – and brag about it. Performing miracles through the kids to ensure You didn’t get dobbed in for cheating and lying is going a bit far.

    Guilt is the issue. Gawdly Guilt no less and we’ve been the unfortunate receptacles of Your hidden shame, messups, bad designs, pestilences, famines, Trinitarian logic, etc. Yes, I understand Kirk Cameron is The Chosen Receptacle but just look at the result.

    It’s become quite the fashion down ‘ere mate. Blaming Gawd for any manner of murderous or delusional behaviour. It even does well as a proxy excuse for procrastination and dodgy insurance. Act of Gawd no less.

    So, if you are gunna smite, can we have a biblical flood to top up our damns? All that going forth and multiplying is thirsty work.

    Yours in You and The Kids,

    Brother Strewth.

    P.S. Give Mine to Ghosty.

    • GS,

      Well, I read your electronic postcard to Gawd, and I’m afraid His only response was to scowl at me and remind me, pointedly, that He doesn’t speak Foreign.
      I think He may have caught the gist of some of it, especially the “Bottomless Abyss” reference and the pleas for a good smite. However, anything that will interfere with His gruelling vacation schedule is right out.
      As a consolation, He has sent you an autographed photo, COD.

  3. But, the crucial bit of the chain he is missing is that those wax plates are then stored in a warehouse complex outside of Santa Fe, NM for safekeeping.

    Why would anyone in His (or Her) right mind store wax anything in New Mexico? Either they melt, or You spend shitloads of money (which could go to, oh, I don’t know, feeding the poor?) to keep them cool (while adding carbon to the atmosphere because of all the damned coal plants). Either way, bad move. The tablets should be stored in an abandoned coal mine (drift, not strip) — cool all year long.

    • (((Billy))), (((Billy))), (((Billy))). How long have you known Gawd?
      1) If He’s not going to read them anyway, what does He care if they melt? 2) Have you ever known Him to express an interest in feeding the poor? 3) Global warming; that just means He’ll make a killing on new beachfront property.

      • 1) If Gawd doesn’t care if they melt or not, why store them? Why not just melt them down into really depresseing aromatherapy candles? 2) Well, there was that one time with the yeast and the fishy smell in Palestine, right? 3) He could make a better ‘killing’ by figuring out a way to drop the sea level 10 or 20 metres — think of all the undeeded land which would suddenly become available for sale?

        Sheesh. For an all-powerful omnipotent dodgeomnivorous beign, Gawd seems kinda, well, slow?

        • 1) Perhaps I should have said, “He doesn’t care what happens to them.” Really. He doesn’t care. Though you could probably pique His interest if there’s money in the candle idea.

          2) That was Hippy Jesus. Don’t think He didn’t get an earful about wasting Miracle Points.

          3) How far out does a typical deed extend? I’ll get you in touch with His lawyers. Maybe there will be a cut in this for you… of course, by “a cut” I mean “a possible thank-you note”.

          And what are you talking about, “slow”? He’s the most on-the-ball deity I’ve ever met.

          • 1) If He doesn’t care, why store them?

            2) But I thought Hippy Jesus was one third or the unity that is the trinity and thus a part of Gawd but not actually.

            3) I prefer percentages.

            He’s the most on-the-ball deity I’ve ever met.

            Now that is the best damning with faint praise ever. Postie, you are the master at insulting Gawd. I bow before your extreme age and wisdom.

  4. One lousy modem! No wonder my wailing never got heard. But, are you sure Gawd even has access to one modem? I think he’s bluffing.

  5. “Postie, you are the master at insulting Gawd. I bow before your extreme age and wisdom.”

    Why, thank you, (((Billy)))… hey! Wait a minute…

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