Dear Large Hadron Collider Science Guys…

higgs_bosonBig Hole in the Ground, Geneva, Switzerland

Dear Sciencers,

  This morning, when the hotel sent up My breakfast Filet Mignon avec Sauce Bernaise, they included a newspaper – which I don’t normally have any use for – and I nearly choked on the Chateau Rotschild.

  It seems My old nemesis, the Higgs boson, is up to his old tricks.  Oh, I hate that particle!  As two of your colleagues, Nielsen and Ninomiya, pointed out, I abhor a Gawd particle.  I mean, it just makes My teeth itch!  Why, you may ask, do I hate it so?  Well, far be it for a classy deity such as Myself to drag personal issues onto a public stage, so I’ll just say that the Higgs boson knows what it did.  I can take a joke as well as the next deity, but some things simply aren’t funny.

  Now it’s practicing its singularly un-funny brand of practical joking on you.

  Actually, just between you and Me, it does seem a bit funnier when it’s happening to someone else.  But that’s beside the point.  The point is that no one and nothing gets away with putting a whoopee cushion on My seat in the Deity Club dining room playing crass and tasteless “jokes” on an important and serious deity.  That will not stand.

  In fact, I’m often appalled at what passes for humor these days.  I shouldn’t be at all surprised if Higgs boson has been giving ideas to Sarah Silverman.  Her spectacularly not-at-all-funny proposal to sell off all of My bank’s assets just to buy lunch for a bunch of people who will only be hungry again later, leaves Me cold.  Well, I say “cold”, but “Fucking Flaming” might be a better description.  I mean, where does she get off trying to stick Me with the bill for feeding the world?  Like it’s somehow My responsibility.  If people are hungry, they can buy their own Filet Mignon avec Sauce Bernaise.  Jesii!  Peckish?  Let them eat steak, I say.  I’m not stopping them – but I’m not picking up the tab, either.

  So, look.  The best way to show Higgs boson that serious people like you and I don’t appreciate school-yard humour, is for you to get back to work finding it and for Me to go about My usual vacation activities as if no sophomoric pranks had reared their ugly heads.  As one of My favorite U.S. presidents said, “Something something something just keep shopping something something.”

Wish You Were Here,



4 responses to “Dear Large Hadron Collider Science Guys…

  1. Her spectacularly not-at-all-funny proposal to sell off all of My bank’s assets just to buy lunch for a bunch of people who will only be hungry again later

    What, the old ‘loaves and fishes’ routine too visible a miracle for today’s world?

    And, as for your disagreement with the Higgs boson, I agree. I have a real bone to pick with anything that adds mass to my matter.

    • In all fairness, Higgs boson’s jokes sometimes backfire. Like that time he/she/it got peanut butter in Milton S. Hershey’s chocolate.

      As for the “loaves & fishes”, I was told that it was a one-time-only publicity stunt. Or, to put it in a way that our generation can easily understand, “The first one’s free.”

  2. The first one’s free

    I thought the cost of the first one was included hidden in the price of the second one.

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