Dear Conservapedia…

Conservative Bible

Somewhere On the Front Lines of the Culture War

Dear True Americans,

  I am verklempt.  It’s so seldom that someone gets Me.  I mean, really gets Me.  I’ve been complaining about that frickin’ unauthorized biography for nearly 6,000 years.  Well before the advent of the written word in the Middle East, in fact.  And now, finally, someone is doing something about it.

  You have no idea how many times that namby-pamby, non-revenue-generating collection of crap has made Republican Jesus cry… and not just when He was a baby.  The problem, as I see you’ve noticed, is that the one of My two idiot much-beloved sons people are most familiar with is Hippy Jesus.  And Hippy Jesus, although I love Him, (I guess), He can come off as a bit of a weak sister.  Thankfully, you’ve addressed that in point number 2, or as I like to think of it, “Commandment The Second”.

2:  Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity

  As well as Commandments The Fourth, The Seventh, The Eight and The Tenth.

4:  Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.

7:  Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning

8:  Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story

10:  Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”

  Especially Commandment The Fourth.  Boy, the stories I could tell you about how word meanings change.  You are so right about “peace”.  Most people today seem to think it means something about not fighting or, often, some drivel about finding non-violent solutions to problems.  If you look it up, (and usually I subscribe to your view that facts have a nasty, liberal bias), you’ll see that one of the definitions of the word is an absence of strife or hostility.  As far as that goes, it’s right.  But how do you arrive at that state?  By stomping the other guy into jelly.  By dashing the heads of [Fill In The Blank]ite women and children against any handy rocks.  By opening the old Windows of Heaven until the last gurgling screams of all those sinful, annoying people you created in your image are finally swallowed up by a world-spanning sea.  That’s how.

  At least, that’s what “peace” used to mean.  Now?  Tch.  I hardly recognize the word.

  Also, I’m glad to see that you’re taking logic back from scientists, skeptics, sane people, Aristotle and others of My New Chosen People, the atheists.

6:  Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.

  Hear, hear.  What could be more logical, I often ask the other deities over drinks, than locking the people who piss Me off in My basement for eternity with a professional sadist?  I challenge anyone to assail the logic of that.

  Mostly, though, it’s Commandment The Seventh that makes Me think that this whole Earth Project has been worthwhile.  “Full, free-market meaning.”  I like the way that rolls off the Almighty Tongue.  As you may know, ever since the unauthorized biography came out, someone else has been making a killing off of My intellectual property.  Actually, if you want to get technical – and I do – since I made everything, everything belongs to Me.  So anything anyone doesn’t turn over to My banker/collection agency, (The Church), is just filthy, socialist, communist thievery.

  As I know you and I are on the same page when it comes to socialism and socialists, (you know, like the Nazi Party and the Democrat Party), I can’t wait for you to finish your translation and start selling copies of the new, authorized, Free-Market version of My biography.  Frankly, I could use the cash.  My vacation schedule is gruelling and it soaks up an astonishing amount of money.

Wish You Were Here,


P.S. – I’m thinking a title change is in order, too.  “Bible” is so Bronze Age.  I’m thinking, Gawd Shrugged.  Catchy, eh?


8 responses to “Dear Conservapedia…

  1. I was sure Gawd was going to suggest a particular change for the Conservative Bible: the change of the word slave for “Latino illegal alien.”

    But maybe Gawd thinks all that is included under “Full, free-market.”

    That gives Conservatives the change to publicly hate the Latinos but still hire them for stinky jobs for almost nothing.

    • That was “The chance to publicly …”

    • I think they’re just going with a simple change of “brown people” in lieu of “slave”. That way, a good, large chunk of the people that scare conservatives is covered.

      • Of course, “non-white” people covers the brown ones, the red ones, the yellow ones…the ones that are cited in that infamous propaganda chorus, I’m sure you know the one I mean.

        • Oh. My. Sweet frickin’ Jesii on a tandem pogo stick. Now we know why Jim Henson died. That video, and the makers of same, are not only responsible for me spewing tea all over the desk, but for the untimely demise of Jim Henson and all that is good in puppetry.

          They had Chinee coolie puppets.

        • Oh my gosh! They had to leave Jose for last!

          I just can’t freaking believe it. I was tired of watching but I kept on, thinking, how can they possibly forget us Latinos? And they made it a joke on our tardiness?

          Oh! It feels like a slap on my fat, brown face. What can I say?

          I need some tacos to recover.

  2. So, in this new version, is the Sermon on the Mount going to be more along the lines of an AmWay convention?

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