Dear Chosen Atheists…

Chosen People

Dear Chosen People,

  I had a short layover in New York the other day and decided I’d pop over to Ground Zero and find out why it was still a hole in the ground.  It sometimes ruins My appreciation of the Filet Mignon avec Sauce Bernaise and champagne served in First Class to know that no one’s doing anything about that.  I mean, for My sake, who’s in charge over there?  It’s been eight years.  Get off the dime.

  So I thought it would be exciting to see it as if I were a regular person.  Just a slob like one of you.  With that in mind, I hopped on the A train and I was off.  Two minutes later I was tired of living like the poor people, but if you know anything about the A train from JFK to Manhattan you know that there is no stop on it from which you can reach anywhere in the world other than where the train is going.  let Me tell you, it made Me give predestination a long, hard re-think.

  But before I even reached Ground Zero I had the answer to why nothing is being built there.  You, (and when I’ve said “you” in this postcard so far, I’ve meant “mankind in general”), have got other things to worry about.

  Sitting across from me, the entire trip, was a tiny, old Asian woman wearing a surgical mask, probably stolen from a M*A*S*H unit during the Korean War, and worrying a rosary.  Even with the omniscience and the prayer line shut off, her fervent, fevered prayers bled through… for the entire trip.

  Now, I’d be the first to admit, (if these sorts of things worried Me), that swine flu, Hasidic men sitting next to you on the train and eternal damnation are all things one should fear.  Just not every moment of every day.  If nothing else, think of Me.  I don’t want to be cooped up on the A train, or anywhere else, with that.

  And just as I was about to smite her with a quiet little heart attack, it occurred to Me – Oh!  That’s what My Chosen People, the Atheists, have been doing.  You’ve obviously been worrying about Hell and trying to find a loop-hole to get out of it.  That’s why you keep insisting that you can have a conscience without following My well-thought-out rules.  That’s why you’ve been running around giving to charity and helping little old ladies across the street and whatever else it is that actual Good People do.

  That’s actually kind of cute, in a “dogs playing poker” kind of way.  But, look; that’s not how you fit into My plan.  I understand that you don’t get it – I mean, it’s My Ineffable Plan, not My F-able Plan.  Since I’ve always liked you and, frankly, prefer your company, I wanted to let you down easily.  So when I saw this postcard in the Helsinki airport I knew it was just the thing.  I assume jack Chick drew it, and you can’t let someone down easier than that.

Wish You Were Here,



8 responses to “Dear Chosen Atheists…

  1. Pingback: swine flu faq

  2. That’s why you keep insisting that you can have a conscience without following My well-thought-out rules.

    Well thought out rules? C’mon, dude! Er, um, Gawd! I could come up with better rules after working sixteen hours at Ground Zero, drinking a fifth of scotch. If not better rules, at least coherent rules. Or rules that make sense. What is Gawd’s problem with mixing threads? Or shellfish? Or working on certain days? Thou shalt not kill coupled with kill these people? Huh?

    And acid mines? LSD? Vinegar?

    • Well, some of that’s pretty easy to answer.

      Mixing Threads: He accidentally turned His omniscience on one day and saw the 70’s coming.
      Shellfish: Bad experience with some poorly-cleaned shrimp.
      Working: You know His policy on working.
      Thou shalt not, etc.: In His defense, look at the way the [Fill In The Blank]ites were dressed. They were asking for it.

    • And as for the mines, we can only hope they’re LSD mines.

  3. (((Billy))):
    Give Gawd a break. It’s obvious that he doesn’t hold his liquor as well as you do.

  4. Love me bunches of Joan Osborne!

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