Nordic Motel, Rm. 5, 11942 NE Sandy Blvd., Portland, OR 97220
You crafty bugger – and I mean that literally. But I’m not writing to castigate You for Your filthy, filthy lifestyle this time. I’m writing because someone told me about Your website and the sneaky, backdoor attempt to woo My Chosen People away.
You fat fuck. Just because You couldn’t muster up the balls to smite the opposition and Your followers went tits-up years ago, You think You’re justified in using this new intertubes craze to siphon off some of My Chosen People? Well, think again, Chubbo. Or… wait a minute. Is this about Your mother? Is this because I schtupped Venus in the cloakroom of the Deity Club and never called Her back? Look, kid; I wouldn’t think I’d have to explain to You that what two consenting deities do in the privacy of Their own coat-check is no one else’s business. For crying out loud, Your mother can take care of Herself… and 8 or 9 others, in my experience.
So quit being such a cherub and leave the Chosen Atheists out of this. You could inadvertently screw up My ineffable plan. How are My Chosen People going to fully appreciate the upcoming persecutions and pogroms and reality TV shows if You’ve gone and made them fall in love? Okay? Are we cool now?
Wish You Were here,
P.S. – Tell Your mom I said, “Someone seems to have soiled Zeus’s overcoat.” Inside joke. She’ll know what I mean.