Dear Archbishop of Lecce…


Somewhere in Southern Italy

Dear Cosmo,

  Hey!  Long time, no see, pal.  How are things in lecce?  How’s celibacy treating you?  We should get together with Ratzi for a poker night soon.  Oh, and thanks for all the “Our Fathers”, those were great.

  Right.  Polite chatter finished.  Now for why I’m really writing.  It’s this lottery thing.  I am in complete agreement with you.  Of course, lottery idolatry, or whatever, is a bad thing.  Yes, playing it leaves the proles that much poorer.  Certainly, Sicilian mayors using council wages to buy tickets because they have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting money from the state is slightly dodgy.  And, obviously, it’s laughable to think that praying for My ex-wife to help them win would do the slightest bit of good.  The only person Mary The Cheating Whore ever helped was Herself.

  So, as I say, you and I are definitely on the same sheet of music here.  The problem as I see it, and I’m sure you do too, is that none of that money is going to “The Church” – or, to be more precise; to Me.  I have yet to see a centisimi of that money.

  If people start treating the lottery as their idol, instead of My boys and Their old posse, then they won’t feel guilty about not tithing.  I don’t mind them giving all that Mary bollocks a miss, but the boys are My legacy and, frankly, They bring in buckets of cash.  And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that if the faceless masses, (That’s a little pun, there.  Get it?), are giving their Euros over to the lottery, it’s just that much less they have to give to Me.

  As for garnishing wages to play the lottery, I think I’d much rather they left that cash in the employees’ pocket where the hard-working brand-loyalists can more easily pass it along to Me.  I don’t mind them praying to My ex-wife to magic them some money to repair the roads and pay the cops.  I mean, you and I know how likely that is to happen, am I right?  If they use what is arguably My money to play the lottery, they’ve got something like a 1 in 1.2 billion chance to win, which is – to be honest – a much better chance than Mary The Spiteful Harpy doing anything for them.

  Looking at those odds just now, I had another of My brilliant ideas, (You’ll recall the time I decided to kill everything in the world that couldn’t fit on a party barge.).  My idea is… and you’re going to love this… is that you and your cronies encourage the brand-loyalists to use the money they would normally play the lottery with to pay for indulgences that will buy them bona-fide prayers for them to win obscene piles of free money.  Huh?  Huh?

  It is, if I do say so Myself, sheer genius.  Think about it.  The odds are pretty much the same, but this way they don’t have to feel like dirty, dirty idolatrous sinners who will rot in Hell for all eternity and the money goes where it belongs; in My vacation fund.

  So, you and the other archbishops get on that and I’ll wait for the Euros to come rolling in.

Wish You Were Here,



6 responses to “Dear Archbishop of Lecce…

  1. Dear Gawd,

    You may want to add a P.S. It seems that a church in Michigan will be getting the proceeds from a winning lottery ticket. Even better (from your perspective) all of it will be tax free. Cosmo may want to figure out how to get in on that action.

  2. If the Big Guy is into camping, Michigan has a great state park system. I suspect, though, that he’s not really a roughing it sort of deity. If that’s the case, he may prefer the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island.

    • I think you’ve got Him pegged. Room service, crisp linen sheets and high-end whiskey in the bar will always win out. He hasn’t camped out since those 40 years in the Wilderness. Afterwards, He swore He’d never go anywhere without air-conditioning again.

  3. Wow! 622 million is a lot of money, it probably is more that what’s going into Gawd’s vacation fund monthly.

    But he must be in a good mood these days. If He were in the Old Testament mood, fire from heaven would’ve consumed the Lottery organization and all its patrons. Lucky for them he’s been staying at dandy hotels of late, as opposed tents which he probably had to endure in the days of Abraham.

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