Dear Creation Museum…

Creation_MuseumP.O. Box 510 Hebron, KY  41048

Dear Scientifickal, Capitalistic Brand-Loyalists,

  I see in the news that you were kind enough to host My Chosen People at your excellent homage to My handiwork.  Well done, thou good and faithful servants.  At $21.95 each, times at least 300, that makes a whopping $6,585 for My vacation fund.  Actually, I expect it’s a bit more, (which is always good), and I hope you charged PZ Myers, (the new Moses of My new Chosen People), extra, as I’m sure you know that he is backed by Big Science and can easily afford triple or quadruple the price.

  Ever since Day 1… or Day 3… I don’t really remember now, when I flipped the Holy Light Switch I knew that a project as big as the entire friggin’ universe was going to call for a good, long vacation afterwards.  By Day 9 I realized that someone, (obviously not Me), had made a grave tactical error by not creating Frequent Flier Miles or Platinum Cards.  From that Day on, I’ve had to rely on My brand-loyalists to keep the vacation fund in the black.  In the old days, before the dinosaurs drowned, I could send out a hero along the lines of St. George to track down a fire-breathing triceratops and take the huge treasure hoard it was guarding.

  Unfortunately, this is no longer possible.  I would say “Dea Culpa”, but we all know it was Noah the drunken pervert’s fault, (You can bet your sweet tuchus he’s sampling some “enhanced interrogation techniques” for that one, right now.)  But, that’s water over the bridge.  These days I have to rely on tax-free donations, mostly.  Every once in a while, though, a genius like Ken Ham comes along and does something magical and wonderful that keeps Me in First Class with the hot towels and the good scotch, where I belong.

  He obviously got hold of a copy of one of My tests from Deity School –

 “Using found objects and cosmological geology, construct a non-monadical universe which will, within one eon, show a profit for the designer.  Be sure to show your work.”

  It is, I think you’ll agree, an excellent bit of work on My part.  Especially considering that I was hung over and hadn’t studied.  The point is that Ham’s brilliant idea to build a museum that charges to see dioramas of My margin scribbles is, itself, proof that I should never have received a D+ on that test!  I mean, the Catholic Church and their hoard of dragon gold aside, your museum is making Me a mint.  In fact, I’m writing this postcard from the penthouse suite of the Trump SoHo, New York.

  Game.  Set.  Match, I say.

  So as you sell those tickets, know that as long as you do your part to keep Me in the style to which I have become accustomed, I will probably not open the old “Windows of Heaven” again and wipe you all out.

Wish You Were Here,



11 responses to “Dear Creation Museum…

  1. I heard that Hippy Jesus accidentally painted shut some of those windows of heaven (it may just be a rumor, since it’s not in any scriptures that I’ve read). Apparently, what with the black sky and the black paint (and a few Black Russians in his belly) he couldn’t see the edge of the window pane and just kept painting right on through it.

    That’s what I heard, anyway. Any truth to it?

    • Neither of the boys is much of a DIYer, it’s true. I heard almost exactly the same story, so it must be true. The only difference is that Hippy Jesus drinks White Russians, a la “The Big Lebowski” and Republican Jesus drinks the black ones… ’cause, you know… He’s Republican Jesus.

  2. I don’t understand why atheists are helping to swell the pockets of these creationists.

    Gawd, you must be so pleased.

  3. What makes any of you think that a penny of that is going to Gawd’s vacation fund? It goes to heating and cooling the building (cognitive dissonance produces massive amounts of heat as the brain fries), museum guards (to make sure that no controversy enters they areas where they try to teach the controversy), publishing ‘bestsellers’ for the bookstore (I think they have a warehouse out back for the millions of copies the museum buys so they can label the books ‘best sellers’), film for the cameras in the parking lot (they took photos of the Myersite auto’s license plates (and I think that digital is a little beyond them)), repairing the dinosaur models (Ken Hamm (I have it on very good authority) tends to damage the, um, er, nether regions at night), and trying to bail out other cdesignpropensitists (like the moron from Florida (can’t remember his name but Gawd is all-powerful, so He knows, right?)).

    • Gawd did know the guy’s name, but once he quit paying into the fund, He promptly forgot it. Like He always says, “What have you done for Me lately?”

  4. Game. Set. Match, I say.

    Gawd is into tennis, too? No wonder I, the tennis junkie, is part of His new Chosen People.

  5. Wow! Look at that lousy grammar. It happens to the best of us. That’s what I’ll tell myself.

    • Oh, sure He’s into it; really, really into it… though He can’t actually be bothered to play, Himself. Or, now that I think about it, watch or even think about it. But, rest assured, He’s as into tennis as He’s into loving and saving mankind.

  6. Wow! Look at that lousy grammar.

    Damn, Lorena! For a moment there, I thought maybe you’d had a fundie relapse. I should have known better though – you forgot the CAP LOCKS and !!!!!!!!

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